Today has been a bit more difficult than the past few days. The reason why is because my sexual temptations are increasing. As the temptations grow, I feel a growing amount of tension that I am usually prone to release through masturbation. But I will not be doing that anymore, Lord. I want to be holy, chaste, and sexually pure. I've had enough of sin. I know that you give me all the graces I need to deal with these temptations, Lord Jesus. I know that you love me and care for me and that you don't abandon me. I know that these trials are good for me, my Lord. I thank you and praise you for them! I thank you for your many blessings that you constantly shower down upon me. You are so good to me and I love you very much!
Lord, please help me to be at peace with my decision to go back to school. I feel unsettled because I think that I may not be trusting you enough by trying to get a better paying job just in case I get married. But my spiritual director says there is nothing wrong with this. I know that you have given him to me to guide me - help me to accept his counsel as if it came directly from you.

2 Cor 12:7

Therefore, that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an Angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weakness, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Today was a good day. I spent a few hours with some friends having lunch. I'm really thankful to God that I have a pretty good group of friends to spend time with. But I still feel a sense of longing and loneliness at times. I felt it last night at the New Year's Eve party, a kind of attraction to this man and a desire for closeness with him. I can only conclude that this must be some type of spiritual longing, and that the longing that I feel must be for God and not for this man or anyone else. It seems that the feeling of longing and loneliness is always there, even after spending time with friends, or even as I am spending time with them. I am starting to see how no one person is going to satisfy me. That is because I am made for union with God, and my heart will only be at peace when I am with him in Heaven. So I am going to keep my heart set on God and the things of Heaven and strive to live a holy life with the help of His grace.

I have also seen how I shouldn't be worried about whether or not I am going to be able to get married or be a priest one day. It is too easy for me in these situations to think that my problems with same-sex attraction are too big and that God cannot heal me. I need to live in the present and not worry about what my vocation may or may not be.

A Prayer of Repentance

Lord God, I am sorry for falling into unchastity today. I'm sorry for not being prayerful enough during times of temptation. I'm sorry for entertaining sexual fantasies about other men and lusting after them. I know this is wrong. These men are my brothers in Christ, not potential lovers. I know that you've called me to love them, not lust after them. I know that means that I'm called to treat them with respect, not entertain sexual fantasies about them. I also know that I am a man who is made in your image and likeness, and that my body was created for union with a woman, not a man.

Most of all, I'm sorry for once again doing something that offends you so much. I was created for more than masturbation and lust. I was created to love, and I was created to use my sexuality to bring life in the world, not to abuse it for my own selfish pleasure. I hate these sins, Lord, and I don't ever want to fall into them again. I hate them, and I love you. You are so good to me. You've called me out of the darkness that I was in and gave me faith and a relationship with you. You saved me from a lifetime of misery, and you suffered and died for me so that I could be free. I once again decided to renounce my sins here and now, in your name, and I choose to pick up my cross and follow you. I want to do better this time. Thank you for the grace of repentance. Thank you for your forgiveness and love. I love you. Amen.

Moving Forward With Discernment

Lately I've felt drawn to two different vocations: marriage and the priesthood. My attraction to both of these vocations has only grown as I have healed from same-sex attraction and as I have grown in my relationship with the Lord. At the same time, I've been wondering when it would be appropriate, given my history with same-sex attraction and homosexuality, to begin to seriously discern the possibility that I may be called to one of these vocations.

Although I've always felt drawn to marriage, even when I was acting on my homosexual desires, I've also felt drawn to the priesthood for about five years now. It began several months after my conversion. One night at Eucharistic adoration I had a strong sense that God was calling me to be a priest. I went and saw the vocations director for my diocese several months after that, and was told that given what was then my recent history with same-sex attraction and homosexuality, I was not eligible to enter the seminary at that time. My spiritual director at the time advised me that I should forget about trying to discern whether or not God was calling me to be a priest and instead focus on overcoming my issues with same-sex attraction and strive to live a chaste life. So this is what I tried to do. But the thoughts about the priesthood kept coming back, even though I tried to ignore them. They've come back again over the last six months or so, and I've been more willing to entertain these thoughts now that my same-sex attractions have diminished greatly. It's been really difficult for me not to get enamored with the idea of being a priest, even though part of me would very much want to have a wife and children. But before I begin to seriously discern this vocation, I think that I need to completely overcome my issues with same-sex attraction and wait a significant period of time, perhaps several years, to be sure that the same-sex attractions are really gone. I don't think that it would be wise for me to enter a religious order (I think God may be calling me to be a religious priest rather than a diocesan one) where there are men with same-sex attractions who may experience temptations to act on those attractions. I think that I would be putting myself in a near occasion of sin if I were to do so without completely overcoming same-sex attraction and making sure that it is completely in the past.

I think I need to take a similar approach to marriage. I don't think that my issues with same-sex attraction need to be completely gone in order for me to get married, but I do think that I cannot have long periods of intense same-sex attraction like I have had in the past. I don't think this would be fair to my wife, since I would likely lose a great deal of interest in her during a lengthy period of intense same-sex attraction. I think that I need to put the major issues with same-sex attraction behind me for a significant period of time, perhaps a year or so, before I enter into a serious relationship with a woman.

In other news, I made a resolution this morning to begin journaling more and to begin carving out some quiet time during the course of the day to think and to listen to God. I came to see that I need to do these things because it's been so difficult for me to make a decision on how to proceed with this discernment process, and I think making more time for journaling and quiet prayer will help me to make better decisions.

"The Opposite of Homosexuality Isn't Heterosexuality. It's Holiness."

The quote that I used for the title of this blog entry was made by Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International and the author of the book "Leaving Homosexuality: A Practical Guide for Men and Women Looking for a Way Out." When I first started dealing with my issues with same-sex attraction, my primary goal was to overcome them and develop heterosexual attractions. But more and more I'm seeing that this quote from Chambers is true, and that the focus of my spiritual life needs to be on growing in holiness.

I say this because there has been continued healing in my life with regard to same-sex attraction. Over the past six months or so, I have mostly experienced opposite-sex attraction with a few periods of same-sex attraction. "This is great!" my thinking goes. "Now I can focus on dating and discerning whether marriage is a possibility for me, or I can discern whether God might be calling me to the priesthood." In my exuberance over my refound heterosexual attractions (I did experience opposite-sex attraction in high school), I open myself up to the desire to entertain these attractions and give in to them when the temptation presents itself. And I'm a sucker for it every time, because as I said I see the development of opposite-sex attractions as being a good thing, which it is. Even my spiritual director said the other day that it was good that I was experiencing problems with heterosexual lust, before he caught himself and realized what he said. But lust is lust, regardless of whether it is geared towards men or women. It's all sinful, and it's not part of God's plan for us. And I reject and renounce it. I'm called, and we're all called, to love others because they are made in the image and likeness of God. We're also called to holiness. I accept that call to holiness, as well as that call to love. I know that in answering that I call I will find my fulfillment, and more importantly I will play a part in bringing God's love to the world.

More Thoughts on the Cross

I was at Eucharistic adoration tonight, and I thought of something that I wanted to add to what I wrote this afternoon. I wrote earlier that I need to man up and fight the temptations that God has given me so that I can be purged of this attachment that I have to masturbation and homosexual activity. This is true, but this statement misses the fact that Christ has already won the victory over sin and death by virtue of his resurrection. I'm already freed from sin! Praise God! All I need to do his to trust in His love. The battle is Christ's, not mine. 

Unbound: Freedom in Christ

I recently attended the Unbound Conference that was given by Neal and Janet Lozano (pictured). The conference was all about overcoming sins that have a hold over our lives. It was a really powerful experience. During the conference I came to see that I believe a lot of lies about myself, namely that I am unlovable, that my family and friends don't care about me, and that people don't like me. There was a very powerful moment during the conference when we were given the opportunity to renounce the lies that we had come to believe about ourselves. It was very healing. Of course, I'm going to have to be vigilant to be sure that those lies don't start creeping back into my life.

Another powerful part of the conference came when one of the speakers started discussing sexual sin. Those of us who had engaged in sexual activity outside of marriage were given the opportunity to reclaim our purity and cut any emotional and physical ties with people we had sex with. To come before God and do these things was very powerful. I really felt like I did reclaim the purity that I had lost through engaging in homosexual acts and masturbation, and that in cutting the physical and emotional ties with the people I had sex with, the Lord eliminated the power that my temptations have over me. I have never felt freer or more loved by God than I did at the end of the conference.

Not only did I feel loved by God, but I was filled with love for Him. I wanted to respond to God's love and show my love for Him by re-committing myself in my battle for chastity. I've been running from that battle for too long, too afraid to deal with the discomfort of my temptations. Now I see that there is no way around the discomfort and the withdrawal caused by refraining from sexual activity. For the past five years or so, I've been looking for a way to avoid experiencing temptations, such as fasting, or engaging in a particular devotion or pious practice. But nothing has worked. I see now that the temptations are inevitable. I see now that I have no choice but to just sit with the temptations, knowing that God gives me all the graces that I need to get through, and that His burden is easy and His yoke is light. But the only way that the burden will be easy is if I try to carry it out of love; love for God, and love for family and friends. I can offer up my discomforts and any suffering that I might experience for the intentions of my friends and family.

I'm ready to take on this cross that the Lord has given me, not to curse me but to help me grow in love for Him and for others. I know that carrying it is going to be difficult, but with God all things are possible.