Coming Out of the Darkness

A Prayer of Repentance

2011-08-31T21:21:00.001-04:00

Lord God, I am sorry for falling into unchastity today. I'm sorry for not being prayerful enough during times of temptation. I'm sorry for entertaining sexual fantasies about other men and lusting after them. I know this is wrong. These men are my brothers in Christ, not potential lovers. I know that you've called me to love them, not lust after them. I know that means that I'm called to treat them with respect, not entertain sexual fantasies about them. I also know that I am a man who is made in your image and likeness, and that my body was created for union with a woman, not a man.

Most of all, I'm sorry for once again doing something that offends you so much. I was created for more than masturbation and lust. I was created to love, and I was created to use my sexuality to bring life in the world, not to abuse it for my own selfish pleasure. I hate these sins, Lord, and I don't ever want to fall into them again. I hate them, and I love you. You are so good to me. You've called me out of the darkness that I was in and gave me faith and a relationship with you. You saved me from a lifetime of misery, and you suffered and died for me so that I could be free. I once again decided to renounce my sins here and now, in your name, and I choose to pick up my cross and follow you. I want to do better this time. Thank you for the grace of repentance. Thank you for your forgiveness and love. I love you. Amen.

Moving Forward With Discernment

2011-08-30T19:44:00.001-04:00

Lately I've felt drawn to two different vocations: marriage and the priesthood. My attraction to both of these vocations has only grown as I have healed from same-sex attraction and as I have grown in my relationship with the Lord. At the same time, I've been wondering when it would be appropriate, given my history with same-sex attraction and homosexuality, to begin to seriously discern the possibility that I may be called to one of these vocations.

Although I've always felt drawn to marriage, even when I was acting on my homosexual desires, I've also felt drawn to the priesthood for about five years now. It began several months after my conversion. One night at Eucharistic adoration I had a strong sense that God was calling me to be a priest. I went and saw the vocations director for my diocese several months after that, and was told that given what was then my recent history with same-sex attraction and homosexuality, I was not eligible to enter the seminary at that time. My spiritual director at the time advised me that I should forget about trying to discern whether or not God was calling me to be a priest and instead focus on overcoming my issues with same-sex attraction and strive to live a chaste life. So this is what I tried to do. But the thoughts about the priesthood kept coming back, even though I tried to ignore them. They've come back again over the last six months or so, and I've been more willing to entertain these thoughts now that my same-sex attractions have diminished greatly. It's been really difficult for me not to get enamored with the idea of being a priest, even though part of me would very much want to have a wife and children. But before I begin to seriously discern this vocation, I think that I need to completely overcome my issues with same-sex attraction and wait a significant period of time, perhaps several years, to be sure that the same-sex attractions are really gone. I don't think that it would be wise for me to enter a religious order (I think God may be calling me to be a religious priest rather than a diocesan one) where there are men with same-sex attractions who may experience temptations to act on those attractions. I think that I would be putting myself in a near occasion of sin if I were to do so without completely overcoming same-sex attraction and making sure that it is completely in the past.

I think I need to take a similar approach to marriage. I don't think that my issues with same-sex attraction need to be completely gone in order for me to get married, but I do think that I cannot have long periods of intense same-sex attraction like I have had in the past. I don't think this would be fair to my wife, since I would likely lose a great deal of interest in her during a lengthy period of intense same-sex attraction. I think that I need to put the major issues with same-sex attraction behind me for a significant period of time, perhaps a year or so, before I enter into a serious relationship with a woman.

In other news, I made a resolution this morning to begin journaling more and to begin carving out some quiet time during the course of the day to think and to listen to God. I came to see that I need to do these things because it's been so difficult for me to make a decision on how to proceed with this discernment process, and I think making more time for journaling and quiet prayer will help me to make better decisions.

"The Opposite of Homosexuality Isn't Heterosexuality. It's Holiness."

2011-08-25T18:22:00.000-04:00

The quote that I used for the title of this blog entry was made by Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International and the author of the book "Leaving Homosexuality: A Practical Guide for Men and Women Looking for a Way Out." When I first started dealing with my issues with same-sex attraction, my primary goal was to overcome them and develop heterosexual attractions. But more and more I'm seeing that this quote from Chambers is true, and that the focus of my spiritual life needs to be on growing in holiness.

I say this because there has been continued healing in my life with regard to same-sex attraction. Over the past six months or so, I have mostly experienced opposite-sex attraction with a few periods of same-sex attraction. "This is great!" my thinking goes. "Now I can focus on dating and discerning whether marriage is a possibility for me, or I can discern whether God might be calling me to the priesthood." In my exuberance over my refound heterosexual attractions (I did experience opposite-sex attraction in high school), I open myself up to the desire to entertain these attractions and give in to them when the temptation presents itself. And I'm a sucker for it every time, because as I said I see the development of opposite-sex attractions as being a good thing, which it is. Even my spiritual director said the other day that it was good that I was experiencing problems with heterosexual lust, before he caught himself and realized what he said. But lust is lust, regardless of whether it is geared towards men or women. It's all sinful, and it's not part of God's plan for us. And I reject and renounce it. I'm called, and we're all called, to love others because they are made in the image and likeness of God. We're also called to holiness. I accept that call to holiness, as well as that call to love. I know that in answering that I call I will find my fulfillment, and more importantly I will play a part in bringing God's love to the world.

More Thoughts on the Cross

2011-07-24T21:57:00.000-04:00

I was at Eucharistic adoration tonight, and I thought of something that I wanted to add to what I wrote this afternoon. I wrote earlier that I need to man up and fight the temptations that God has given me so that I can be purged of this attachment that I have to masturbation and homosexual activity. This is true, but this statement misses the fact that Christ has already won the victory over sin and death by virtue of his resurrection. I'm already freed from sin! Praise God! All I need to do his to trust in His love. The battle is Christ's, not mine.

Unbound: Freedom in Christ

2011-07-24T16:46:00.000-04:00

I recently attended the Unbound Conference that was given by Neal and Janet Lozano (pictured). The conference was all about overcoming sins that have a hold over our lives. It was a really powerful experience. During the conference I came to see that I believe a lot of lies about myself, namely that I am unlovable, that my family and friends don't care about me, and that people don't like me. There was a very powerful moment during the conference when we were given the opportunity to renounce the lies that we had come to believe about ourselves. It was very healing. Of course, I'm going to have to be vigilant to be sure that those lies don't start creeping back into my life.

Another powerful part of the conference came when one of the speakers started discussing sexual sin. Those of us who had engaged in sexual activity outside of marriage were given the opportunity to reclaim our purity and cut any emotional and physical ties with people we had sex with. To come before God and do these things was very powerful. I really felt like I did reclaim the purity that I had lost through engaging in homosexual acts and masturbation, and that in cutting the physical and emotional ties with the people I had sex with, the Lord eliminated the power that my temptations have over me. I have never felt freer or more loved by God than I did at the end of the conference.

Not only did I feel loved by God, but I was filled with love for Him. I wanted to respond to God's love and show my love for Him by re-committing myself in my battle for chastity. I've been running from that battle for too long, too afraid to deal with the discomfort of my temptations. Now I see that there is no way around the discomfort and the withdrawal caused by refraining from sexual activity. For the past five years or so, I've been looking for a way to avoid experiencing temptations, such as fasting, or engaging in a particular devotion or pious practice. But nothing has worked. I see now that the temptations are inevitable. I see now that I have no choice but to just sit with the temptations, knowing that God gives me all the graces that I need to get through, and that His burden is easy and His yoke is light. But the only way that the burden will be easy is if I try to carry it out of love; love for God, and love for family and friends. I can offer up my discomforts and any suffering that I might experience for the intentions of my friends and family.

I'm ready to take on this cross that the Lord has given me, not to curse me but to help me grow in love for Him and for others. I know that carrying it is going to be difficult, but with God all things are possible.

A Bishop's Disappointing Reaction

2011-07-08T20:16:00.000-04:00

I must say that I'm a bit disappointed with Brooklyn Bishop Nicholas DiMarzio's response to the legalization of same-sex "marriage" in New York state. Here is an excerpt:

"I have asked all Catholic schools to refuse any distinction or honors bestowed upon them this year by the governor or any member of the legislature who voted to support this legislation. Furthermore, I have asked all pastors and principals to not invite any state legislator to speak or be present at any parish or school celebration."
Then comes the news today that a parish in Brooklyn rejected a $50 donation from a state assemblyman who voted in favor of the same-sex "marriage" bill. With all due respect to Bishop DiMarzio, I fail to see how this sends the message that voting to redefine marriage is unacceptable. How is this going to get the politicians who voted in favor of this law, particularly the Catholic ones, to see the error of their ways?

I think that a stronger response is in order here. I'm no expert on canon law, so I don't know if excommunication is an option for the Catholic politicians who voted in favor of redefining marriage. I do know that allowing politicians like Gov. Andrew Cuomo to present themselves as faithful Catholics, as the governor did in this New York Times column, sends the message to the faithful that it is acceptable for one to dissent from the teachings of the Church. Something needs to be done to prevent further scandal.

Back to Therapy

2011-07-07T19:57:00.000-04:00

I've decided to go back to therapy after a six month hiatus. I'm going to be seeing a different therapist than I was seeing the last time. My new therapist was referred to me by my spiritual director, and apparently he has had some success in helping men and women deal with same-sex attraction. I'm optimistic that I will be able to find some additional healing through this latest round of therapy.

I decided to go back to therapy for several reasons. One is that the last round of therapy did not help me to deal with my same-sex attractions as much as I had thought. After I concluded the last round of therapy in February, I went for a period of several months without experiencing any same-sex attractions. I was even experiencing some of the things that had triggered same-sex attraction in the past, such as feeling rejected and not feeling liked by someone who I was interested in being friends with. Nothing happened. I was also experiencing pretty strong attractions to women. I was really optimistic that my feelings of same-sex attraction had finally been dealt with, and that I could begin to consider a priestly vocation or begin moving towards marriage by getting into a serious relationship with a woman. But then the same-sex attractions came coming back. That was a couple of months ago, and since then I've been struggling with same-sex attractions again. Sometimes these struggles get pretty intense, and I feel a strong longing for sex and a romantic relationship with another man. Now most people would say that I should give into those feelings. But the problem with that is that I know what happens when I give into my same-sex attractions and engage in homosexual activity and masturbation. It leads to nothing but unhappiness and misery. Through these struggles, I've realized that there is something very wrong with me to make me want sex with another man. Something has gone very wrong in my childhood. I can no longer pretend that I'm emotionally healthy even though I have same-sex attractions. I can also no longer live with the frustration of wanting sexual contact with another man so much but also knowing that giving into those desires would lead to much unhappiness. That is why I decided that I need the help of a therapist in dealing with all of this.

Good Couple of Weeks

2010-10-31T14:37:00.001-04:00

The last several weeks have been fairly good for me. About two weeks ago, I went to confession to confess my last fall into masturbation and pornography. It was probably one of the best confessions that I've had for a long time. The priest really took the time to talk to me about my sins, and didn't try to rush through the sacrament like some priests do. He also told me something that really stuck with me: that my happiness is contingent on my battle with lust. I know that this is true, but it's something that I really needed to be reminded of. I know that if I want to be happy, I can't give in to my temptations just to make the discomfort of my temptations go away. This is something that I often do, but I've been trying to remind myself that the discomfort of even the most violent temptations is preferable to the spiritual death that I experience when I give into mortal sin.

I've also really been trying to watch my eating lately. Now you may be asking: What does watching your eating have to do with the battle for sexual purity? Actually, a lot. According to St. Josemaria Escriva, gluttony is the forerunner of impurity. I think that I have been falling into gluttony a lot lately without even realizing it. I often eat so much that I feel stuffed afterward. I hadn't seen this as being gluttony because I thought that it was OK for me to eat that much food since I had room for it in my stomach. But now I see that this was gluttony, and that I don't need to stuff myself every time I sit down for a meal. Instead, I'm trying to eat just until I don't feel hungry anymore. This requires a lot of discipline, because it requires me to eat a lot more slowly than I am used to. In addition to trying not to fall into gluttony, I'm also trying to do a more rigorous fast once a week. I used to only skip once a meal one day a week, but now I'm following the Church's rules for fasting, which allows for only one full meal that day. So far it seems to be helping me. I've experienced some pretty intense temptations this week, and by the grace of God I haven't given in.

2010-10-08T20:51:00.000-04:00

Today has been a difficult day for me. I recently got another computer, and before I could put a filter on it I used it to look at pornography. The struggle continues.

Usually after I fall into sins of unchastity, I try to figure out what pushed me over the edge. In the past it's been loneliness, anxiety, or sadness. More and more it's just been a desire for the pleasure of an orgasm. I think that was the case today. I haven't really been feeling lonely or sad lately, and I haven't been feeling anxious since I've been a little more disciplined about going to the gym and staying away from caffeine. But part of me is still very addicted to the pleasure that comes from masturbation and homosexual activity, even though I know how bad these things are for me. It's going to be a tough habit for me to break. It really needs to sink into my mind that no matter how good it feels to masturbate and have a sexual encounter with another man, that pleasure pales in comparison to the true happiness that I experience from being in communion with the Lord and striving to follow His will for my life.

A Reminder of Just How Much I Need God

2010-05-27T20:22:00.000-04:00

I learned a very important lesson on Monday about just how much I need God in my life. Earlier in the day, I had fallen into the sin of masturbation because I was feeling kind of insecure about myself. I began experiencing these feelings of insecurity after spending some time over the weekend with a female friend who I am interested in romantically. I didn't get the sense that she felt the same about me, and though I tried to tell myself that this was OK and that it is probably for the best that we remain friends for awhile, I started feeling like I had failed somehow. Eventually these emotions proved to be too much for me, and I gave into my temptations.

It was amazing how much things just kind of fell apart for me after I fell into this mortal sin. For the next several hours, I felt very lonely and very desirous of attention from other men. It was also virtually impossible for me to resist even the slightest temptation to commit sexual sin. It was as if all the healing that had taken place over the last several months had all been undone. As I was reflecting on this on Tuesday, I understood why: I had committed a mortal sin, which meant that God's Holy Spirit was no longer dwelling with me. And as I saw on Monday night, I can't do anything without the Holy Spirit.

Realizing all of this made me very anxious to get to confession and receive Our Lord's forgiveness so that I could once again receive Him be united with Him in the Eucharist. It also helped me see that I cannot be happy without God in my life, and that I can't bear to be separated from Him, even temporarily. As a result, I need to make an effort to turn to God in prayer and do whatever possible to avoid falling into mortal sin.

Cultivating Joy

2010-05-16T16:07:00.001-04:00

I was reflecting the other day on why I have done little to resist the temptation to fall into sexual sin, and I came to the conclusion that one reason may be that I am not doing enough to cultivate joy in my heart. My relationship with God has grown so cold, so sterile, and so emotionless. I often feel like I am going through motions in my spiritual life. Prayer, Mass, and my the reception of the sacraments has grown very mechanical, very routine. I think there are a number of reasons why this has happened. For one, something that you do every day, such as praying and going to Mass, eventually loses its impact. I realized the other day that I had completely lost sight of the power of God to change me, heal me, and help me to overcome my slavery to sexual sin through prayer and the sacraments. I had even stopped asking God to heal me from my same-sex attraction because I thought that if He wants to heal me, He will without asking me. But this of course is a bad approach to prayer. After all, scripture says that we should ask God for what we need, and that He will provide for us (Mt 7:7).

I also think that I had gotten some bad formation through this group that I belonged to in my parish. During my experience with this group, I heard a priest tell us that "faith is not based on your feelings," or something to that effect. And while he was right, I think I misconstrued this to mean that feelings and emotions have no role to play in our spiritual lives whatsoever. As a result, I didn't put too much emphasis on trying to find joy in my relationship with God.

I'm beginning to change this now, because I realize that joy is what is going to keep me going in the spiritual life. So I'm trying to cultivate joy by spending more time listening to Christian music, which I find uplifting and very joyful. I'm also asking God in prayer to help me never to lose sight of His gift of eternal life, and to help me rejoice in the hope of spending an eternity with Him someday.

More Signs of Healing

2010-04-30T20:51:00.000-04:00

Over the last several weeks, I have seen more signs of healing in my life. For one, I am really experiencing a fairly strong attraction to women. Thanks be to God! This is a true blessing. Unless you have experienced the cross of homosexuality, you cannot know how difficult it is to have no appropriate outlet for your sexuality. But now I feel that God may be taking this away from me.

However, there are problems that come along with this, as you might imagine. Someone who has really struggled to control his lust for the last several years can't just suddenly go from lusting after men to NOT lusting after women. I've seen this this week. On Monday night as I was heading home from a friend's house, I was thinking about whether or not it is a good time for me to start dating again. Part of me really wants to be dating again so I can eventually get married, but another part of me is hesitant because I think that my same-sex attractions will come back and I will lose interest in the woman I'm dating. This internal conflict eventually led to some temptations, and I fell into the sin of masturbation and the sins of lust and entertaining sexual fantasies about women. It's a really difficult temptation not to give into because there is much less guilt associated with these sins. Even though it is just as wrong to have sexual fantasies about a woman as it is to have sexual fantasies about a man, entertaining heterosexual thoughts just doesn't feel as wrong to me. There's also a temptation to think that it might even be a good thing to masturbate and think about a woman, because it would help my healing from same-sex attraction. Of course, this is total BS that I shouldn't believe.

I'm also seeing signs that my insatiable need for attention is going away. There have been occassions lately where I have been hanging out with friends and I have felt excluded. Normally this is enough to make me sad and look for some way to make me feel better. Usually this involves a sexual sin of some sort. But now I don't seem to mind as much when I'm kind of being ignored.

I'm really excited that my heterosexual attractions are deepening, and that I am beginning to see myself as being a real man. I'm also really glad that I don't crave attention from men so much anymore. I'm really grateful to God for all the healing that has taken place in my life. He is awesome!

What Does it Mean to be a Man?

2010-04-21T19:01:00.000-04:00

One of the topics that my therapist and I touched on last Saturday was what I think it means to be a man. I told him that I thought one attribute of a man was physical strength. I said this in part because I have never been all that strong physically, and have never thought of my body as being masculine as a result. I also told my therapist that a man was someone who did not get all emotional and fall to pieces during a time of crisis, and someone who was courageous and able to say something that was unpopular. My therapist didn't address all the points that I brought up, though he did say that Jesus got emotional and he was still man.

As I left my session, I thought about what my therapist had said, and I began to think that I may be holding myself to an impossibly high standard of what it means to be a man. Although I have never really thought of my body as being masculine, it certainly is, even though I may not have bulging biceps and rock-hard pecs. It is masculine simply because I am a male. As for not getting emotional during a stressful situation, certainly men get stressed out when things are going badly. They might even get angry, and sometimes they cry. This is what it means to be human. I am no different in this regard.

As for being courageous and being able to stand up for myself and say something that was unpopular, this is something that I can definitely work on. I too often fail to speak up when someone does something that might have a significant negative effect on me or someone else. I also fail to speak to someone about something when I am afraid that there will be a confrontation or I will make the person angry. This is something I need to get over. As my therapist said, I need to learn how to detach from other people's emotions and let them have their anger if they want to get angry. But I need to speak up for myself and stand up for what is right when the situation calls for me to do so.

After reflecting on this session over the last several days, I began to see that I do have many masculine attributes, whether I feel masculine or not. It's time for me to start thinking of myself as a man, because I am one, regardless of how I feel.

More on Focusing on Doing Good

2010-04-08T21:16:00.000-04:00

Several weeks ago, I wrote a post on a talk my Courage chaplain gave, in which he talked about the need to focus on doing good rather than simply avoiding evil. I began thinking about this more on Easter Sunday when I was listening to a program on the local Christian radio station. In this program, the guest talked about the Pharisees and how they tried to follow the law to the T, but how they weren't focused so much on loving their fellow man. When I was listening to this, I realized that this is how I often act. I am so worried about obeying the commandments and the teachings of the Church that I forget that my greater calling is to love God with all of my heart, soul, and my mind, and to love my neighbor as myself for love of Him. Now, please don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying that it is not important to obey the commandments and the teaching of the Church. What I am saying, however, is that my primary focus needs to be on loving God and loving my fellow man. Instead of trying to follow the commandments and the teachings of the Church solely because I believe that God will take away all of my troubles by doing so, I need to avoid sin out of love for God. I also need to avoid falling into sins like homosexuality, lust, and pornography because these sins involve using people as sexual objects, which of course is not loving.

But I also need to find ways to do perform loving acts of kindness, as my Courage chaplain alluded to several weeks ago. What does this mean practically speaking? Well, it means that I can pray for the person who drives me crazy instead of thinking about how much he drives me crazy. It also means that I shouldn't cut back on my volunteering even though I am often tempted to. There's a lot more things I can do to show my love for God and my love for my fellow man. I just need to be thinking about the things I can do in each particular situation I find myself in.

So will taking my focus off avoiding sin result in me falling into sin more? I can't really say at this point, because this is a new approach that I have never tried before. But my instinct tells me that it probably won't. My first priority needs to be to love God with all my heart and to love my fellow man as I love myself, as Our Lord commanded (Mk 12:30-31). If feel if I do this, avoiding sin will just take care of itself.

Christ is Risen, Alleluia!

2010-04-08T20:56:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter, everyone! This is easily my favorite time of the year. We're finally done with all of the discipline of Lent, and now we get to rejoice in the resurrection of Jesus Christ!

Last night, I attended a very good talk in which the priest asked a very important question: What does it mean to me that Christ has risen from the dead? Well, to me it means that Christ has overcome death and sin by rising from the dead. It means that I no longer have to be a slave to masturbation, homosexuality, and pornography anymore! The chains are broken and I am free! Certainly this is cause for rejoicing. And I do rejoice in Christ's resurrection. For awhile anyway.

Usually what happens is that I forget all about the joy of Christ's resurrection sometime in the middle of the Easter season. I pray that this doesn't happen again this year. I think this year I am going to make it a point to meditate more frequently on Christ's resurrection and its implications for my life, more than 2,000 years after it happened. I am going to spend more time meditating on the fact that sin has no power over me anymore by virtue of Christ's death and resurrection, and how sin only has power over me because I allow it to have power over me. I hope this meditation will keep the hope of my salvation alive in my heart.

Surrendering to God and Learning to Suffer

2010-03-28T17:14:00.001-04:00

First of all, let me start by wishing you all a happy Palm Sunday! We are entering the holiest week on the liturgical calendar, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one who finds it emotional to recall the passion, death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I'm finding it much easier to get into the spirit of Holy Week than I did trying to get into the spirit of Lent. This has probably been one of the worst Lents I have ever had. And I have no one to blame but myself. I didn't choose something to give up for Lent before this season started, and I only thought of a discipline to follow in the last week or so. And I didn't even do a very do a very good job following that!

Although it just started today, Holy Week seems like it is going to be much more spiritually profitable. I had a meeting with my therapist yesterday, and one of the things he touched on was my desire to always be in control. This desire, unfortunately, shows up in my spiritual life as well. When I fall into masturbation, I usually feel very frustrated if I feel like there isn't some behavior that I can change in order to avoid falling into that sin again. For example, after falling into masturbation, I might come to the conclusion that I gave into that sin because I was stressed out or tense, and I start thinking about how I can eliminate the stress and tension in my life. I might decide to work out more or drink less caffeine. And while these things may certainly help to some extent, eventually I'm going to come to the point where I've done all that is humanly possible to avoid the sin of masturbation, but I will still fall into it. So the only thing I can do at this point is to realize that I am powerless to control my desire to masturbate on my own. It's much stronger than I am. Instead of focusing what I can do to avoid falling into masturbation, I need to focus on praying to God during times of temptation -- something I tend to neglect -- and focus on what He can do to help me avoid falling into sin.

I also really got a lot out of the liturgy for Palm Sunday. For those of you who do not know, the Gospel reading at today's Mass is the story of the passion of Jesus Christ. It speaks a lot about how he suffered: how he was scourged, how he hung on the cross until he died, even though he had done nothing to deserve such a punishment. Few if any of us suffer like that, but we all have some sufferings in our lives. Jesus of course is our example for how to handle this suffering. He has total trust in the Father, so he can accept whatever suffering comes his way. We hear that trust in today's Gospel reading:

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but your be done."

So what does this mean for me? Well, I need to learn how to trust that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me, and that whatever suffering that comes my way -- whether that is in the form of particularly strong temptations to engage in sexual sin, or loneliness, or the pain of rejection -- is His will for me in that particular moment, even though it may not make any sense to me. I need to learn to trust that even though this suffering may cause me to hurt for a time, it likely won't last for ever, and that ultimately it is for my good. Finally, I need to keep the suffering that I do experience in perspective. I haven't been asked to shed blood for Jesus Christ, only to endure the strong temptation to masturbate without giving in. These are just feelings; they can't hurt me. Jesus endured much worse for my sake: the scourging, the rejection of the people he had come to save, and the horrible death on the Cross. He did this because he loves me, and because he loves you. I need to learn how to endure my minor little sufferings for love of him.

An Interesting Week

2010-03-21T19:14:00.000-04:00

This has been a pretty interesting week in my spiritual life. Last Sunday, I was really longing for a man's companionship, particularly a man who I had met the night before. Usually when I feel like this the temptation to masturbate is very strong, and it was last week. Unfortunately, I gave in to the temptation and committed a number of other serious sins as well. I went to confession the next day, but as I was waiting in line I felt a strong urge to get up and walk out of the church. I just asking myself whether I believed in the faith that I had professed, and I was beginning to think that I didn't. Luckily, I didn't leave the church, and I had my confession heard.

I've also been having a little situation with a family member who seems to have rejected the Church's teaching on divorce and remarriage. I had been doing my best to try to get this person to understand and accept the Church's teaching, but I was unsuccessful. At the same time I've been trying to prepare myself for the reaction from the rest of my family members when they hear that I was opposed to this wedding. As I've been rehearsing this conversation, I've found myself thinking things like "God should be the foundation of our happiness, not other people." The whole incident has really made me see that I do believe in what the Church teaches, and that I do believe that we should look for our happiness in God. So if I really believe that, it means that I shouldn't be looking for my happiness in other people either, particularly other men. The only man that can make me truly happy is Jesus Christ. It is him whom I am called to have a deep, profound, and satisfying relationship with.

A New Start in My Spiritual Journey

2010-03-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I started meeting with my new spiritual director for the first time. I recently decided to stop seeing my former spiritual director because I was having some doubts as to whether I could trust him anymore. It was a bit sad and a hard decision to make, but I think it worked out for the best.

My meeting with my new spiritual director yesterday went very well. I felt like he gave me some very practical things to do to overcome my struggles with chastity, such as doing something every week that I really look forward to. He said this is important because if I don't look for stimulation in healthy ways, I'm going to look for it in unhealthy ways like masturbation. In addition to finding some type of activity that I can really look forward to each week, my spiritual director urged me to get involved with a men's group here in the area. I had been thinking about getting involved in this group for some time now, and I think I'm going to try to clear some space in my schedule so I can make it to the meetings.

I also got some really concrete direction about how to structure my spiritual life. I was really grateful for this because my last spiritual director seemed hesitant to answer my questions about how to prioritize prayer, spiritual and scriptural reading, and attendance at Mass. Yesterday, my new spiritual director said I should try to get to Mass about three times a week, instead of twice weekly like I am doing during most weeks. He also gave me a pamphlet about spiritual and scriptural reading, which said that I should read one chapter from the Bible each day and do five to 15 minutes of spiritual reading. He even gave me a new book to read.

I was really grateful to God for my meeting yesterday. I hope that my relationship with my new spiritual director will continue to bear fruit in my spiritual life.

Focusing On Doing Good, Not Just Avoiding Evil

2010-03-04T19:45:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday night, our Courage chaplain gave a talk about the need to focus on doing good and performing acts of virtue in the spiritual life, rather than simply focusing on avoiding sin. This was a great topic for me, since I am certainly guilty on overly-focusing on my sins. I am constantly praying for help in dealing with my temptations to masturbate, and when I am confronted with that temptation, I usually just think to myself that I don't want to give in. It's no wonder that I fall into the sin of masturbation so much... it's something that's always on my mind.

Our Courage chaplain gave us a solution to this problem: focus on service to others and to God. He also told us to look for any opportunity to do good in our lives. This is something I have tried to incorporate into my life. Several Sundays per month, I spend some time helping others meet their needs. It's great because it helps me get my mind off my troubles and helps me to see that other people have problems that are much more serious than mine.

I also think that another answer to this problem is to not pray so much about masturbation. That may sound counter intuitive, but in reality I think it makes a lot of sense. What's the point of praying for the grace to avoid falling into sin when Scripture tells us that God gives us all the graces we need to deal with the temptations He sends our way? Instead of focusing so much on sin, I should meditate on God's great love for me, and how I will be able to spend eternity in perfect happiness if I am faithful to Him in this life.

Dealing With Emotions

2010-03-04T19:31:00.001-05:00

This past weekend I learned a valuable lesson about the need to learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. On Saturday, I was feeling a bit lonely and angry with someone who is very important in my life, and I dealt with it by masturbating. Of course this is not a constructive way to deal with these things, because it does nothing to solve the problem. But over the years I have learned to respond to negative emotions such as loneliness and anger by masturbating or acting out sexually in other ways.

So how can I deal with emotions like anger and loneliness in ways that are more constructive than masturbating? Well, I can blog about it here, which can provide a release, or start journaling, which my therapist has suggested. I can also talk about what I'm feeling with a friend. That's been a little tricky for me though for several reasons: because I prefer that people do not know about my issues with same-sex attraction, and because being emotional is equated with being unmanly in my mind. I guess that's something I need to get over as well.

Whatever I chose to do to express my emotions, I just need to be sure that it is healthy, and not something unhealthy like throwing things. I think the more I learn how to express my emotions in a healthy manner, the less I'll be tempted to masturbate in order to deal with negative feelings.

Scandal in San Francisco

2010-02-24T19:26:00.002-05:00

I recently learned that there is a very serious scandal in a parish in San Francisco called Most Holy Redeemer. Unfortunately, it appears that this scandal has been going on for some time now. For those of you who may not be aware, Most Holy Redeemer is located in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco, which is the predominantly gay, lesbian, and bisexual neighborhood in the city. The parish bills itself as an "inclusive Catholic community" that embraces "all people of good faith... regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation." Doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with that, right? I mean the Church should minister to everyone, right? But unfortunately it does not seem like this parish adheres to Catholic teaching on homosexuality, which is that homosexual acts are seriously sinful and that people with same-sex attractions are called to live chaste lives. How do I know this? Well, as you can see from the picture, the parish participates in the annual Gay Pride Parade. This picture, which is on the parish Web site, is from 2006. I don't think anyone at Gay Pride Parades talks about chastity, do they?

But it's not just parishioners who are involved in Gay Pride Parades. The parish's pastor, Fr. Steve Meriwether, does as well, or at least he blesses those taking part in the parade, as shown in this picture. And he does it in his Mass vestments!

But it's not just the Gay Pride Parades that trouble me. Most Holy Redeemer's parish Web site, which I linked to at the beginning of this post, also includes links to DignityUSA, an organization that does not encourage its members to live chaste lives in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality, like groups like Courage do. There are also links to groups like the Gay Catholic Forum, the Catholic Lesbians Organization, and the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministries.

This is truly a serious scandal, one that Archbishop Niederauer of San Francisco needs to be made aware of, if he is not aware of it already. I say this is a scandal because it gives the appearance that the Church approves of homosexual acts, which the Catechism of the Catholic Church says are gravely sinful. As someone who has committed homosexual acts, I can tell you that it is neither compassionate or loving to condone homosexuality. The truly loving thing would be to minister to the people in this parish who struggle with same-sex attractions by sharing with them the true teaching of the Church on chastity and homosexuality.

I would really like to see this situation corrected, because as a Catholic who struggles with same-sex attractions, it deeply offends me. I urge all of you reading this to write to the Archdiocese of San Francisco by sending an e-mail to info@sfarchdiocese.org. I'm also planning to write to the Vatican to call on them to deal with this issue if Archbishop Niederauer does not. I hope you'll join me in taking action and help return Most Holy Redeemer to its authentic Catholic roots.

Repent and Believe in the Gospel

2010-02-17T21:03:00.000-05:00

Today is Ash Wednesday, the day in which we receive ashes on our foreheads and are told by the Church to "repent and believe in the Gospel."

In addition to being told by the priest to "repent and believe in the Gospel" as he makes the sign of the Cross on our foreheads with ashes, today's readings also speak of the need to turn away from our sins. We hear it in the beginning of the first reading from the Book of the Prophet Joel.

"Even now, says the Lord, return to me with your whole heart, with fasting, and weeping, and mourning; Rend your hearts, not your garments, and return to the LORD your God. For gracious and merciful is he, slow to anger, rich in kindness, and relenting in punishment."

Not only do we hear of the need to repent, but we also hear in this reading about God's great love for us, and how He is ready to welcome us back with open arms. We experience this every time we go to Confession. Every time we walk into the confessional, God is there, waiting to forgive us and take our sins away from us.

It is my sincere hope that God will grant me the grace of a deeper conversion this Lent. I hope and pray that He helps me to feel sorrow for my sins, not just because of the impact that the have had on my life, but because they have saddened and offended someone He who loves me immensely.

Jesus Never Gives Up--and Neither Should I

2010-02-10T17:38:00.000-05:00

I was really struck by the Gospel reading from last Sunday, Feb. 7. In this reading from chapter 5 of the Gopsel According to St. Luke, we hear the familiar story about how Simon Peter and several other fishermen have been out on the lake all night but have caught nothing. When Jesus tells Simon Peter to go out to the deep part of the lake and lower his nets, Simon Peter tells Jesus that they have been unable to catch anything, but decides to listen to him anyway. After he lowered the nets into the lake, Simon Peter caught so many fish that the nets tore.

This reading really gives me a great deal of hope. It tells me that no matter how difficult things get or no matter how impossible something might seem, I should put my faith and trust and Jesus and keep trying, because what is impossible for me alone is possible with Christ. This is particularly true in my struggles with masturbation and lust. I often times feel like I just want to give up on struggling with these sins because I keep committing them over and over again, and I get tired of going to confession and confessing the same sins time and time again. But if I put my faith in Jesus and learn to trust him, I will be able to overcome the sins that weigh me down and live a chaste life.

Fighting the Spiritual Battle

2010-02-03T18:26:00.001-05:00

Things have continued to be difficult for me over the last several days, particularly in dealing with my temptations to masturbate and have sex with other men. This is part of the spiritual battle, one in which the devil attacks me and tries to get me to act on the temptations that I experience. Like many attacks of the Devil, the temptation to act on my same-sex attractions by masturbating, looking at pornography, or having a sexual encounter with another man involves a lot of lies. This makes sense, because scripture tells us that the Devil is the father of lies (Jn 8:44).

So what are the lies involved in homosexual temptations? Well, for me, one of the biggest lies that is at the root of my temptations is that I am not as manly as other men. This really drives my sexual attractions, and makes me desire sexual encounters with other men because I part of me believes deep down that some of the other guy's manliness will rub off on me if I have sex with him. Another lie at the root of my same-sex attractions is the lie that sex with another man will fill the longing that I have for closeness with another man.

Of course, I know on a conscious level that sex with other men will not make me feel like a more of a man. In fact, it makes me feel like less of a man, because men are not created to have sex with other men. I also know on a conscious level that having sex with some random guy I meet off of the Internet is not going to satisfy the longing that I feel for closeness with other men, because this longing is actually for platonic, rather than sexual, intimacy. But part of me believes these and other lies every time I give into the temptation to masturbate.

I can't allow these lies to go unchallenged. This is a spiritual battle, after all, and I can fight back with the truth. This is what I have been focusing on over the last several days. When I experience a temptation to masturbate or have sex with another man, I counter the lie that is being told to me with the truth. I say to myself that gay sex will never make me feel like more of a man. I know this from experience. I've had 35-40 sexual encounters with other men and I don't ever remember walking away feeling more manly. I can also say from experience that gay sex will not fill the longing in my heart for closeness with other men. That longing can only be satisfied in part by platonic intimacy with other men, as well as intimacy with Christ. Fortunately, as a Catholic, I get the intimacy with Christ that I long for every time I go to Mass and receive Our Lord in the Eucharist. And I remain in a bond with Christ so long as I refrain from engaging in mortal sin.

Fortunately, countering temptations and the lies that go along with them with the truth has been helping me avoid falling into sin. I know it's not a magic bullet, so to speak, but countering the lies with the truth--and remembering my regrets over engaging in masturbation, homosexuality, and pornography--is the only way I can turn my heart to Christ and away from a desire to sin.

Trusting in God

2010-02-02T19:35:00.000-05:00

Over the last couple of days, God has really been helping me to see some of the obstacles in my spiritual life that are preventing me from growing closer to Him and from having peace in spite of my circumstances. Last night, I was thinking about my friendships, specifically how I feel I don't have many friends right now and that I am not as close as I would like to be to the friends I do have. Then I had a thought that has crossed my mind several times before: how I probably wouldn't be happy even if I had 100 best friends. I believe that this is true because when God is not the center of your life, and when you look for happiness in something other than God, like your friends, you usually feel dissatisfied.

"So what is the answer to this problem?" I asked myself. The answer is is that I need to learn to trust God. I need to trust that He has given me all of the friends that I need. This doesn't mean that I don't need to reach out to people and try to make new friends, but it does mean that I don't need to worry so much about how many friends I have. If I need more friends than I have now, God will give them to me. If He doesn't, I can only assume that I don't need any more friends to help me in my walk with the Lord. This will help me not look for the "quick fixes" to my loneliness, particularly homosexual encounters, masturbation, or pornography.

The same goes with the friends I have now. I need to trust in God that my relationships with the people who are in my life are exactly the way they are for a reason. Again, this does not mean that I shouldn't work on my relationships with people, but it does mean that I don't need to worry about how many close friends I have.

Trusting that God will provide for me is the only way that I am going to be happy in spite of the trials and tribulations I sometimes find myself in.

Congress to Lift Ban on Gays in the Military?

2010-02-02T18:40:00.003-05:00

The Center for Military Readiness, a non-partisan educational organization that was created to promote sound military personnel policies, has a great document on its Web site about the "LGBT Law," which is a piece of legislation being considered by Congress that would lift the ban on homosexuals serving openly in our nation's armed forces. According to the CMR, ending the ban on gays in the military would have a number of negative consequences, including:

--a threefold increase in the number of instances of misconduct

--lower morale

--reduced trust and unit cohesion

--chaplains and people of faith being forced out of the military

--lower rates of retention

--reduced military readiness

The document goes on to note that 1,164 retired Flag & General Officers for the Military, 51 of them of four-star rank, are on record in support of the ban on gays in the military. How can President Obama and Congress move forward with ending the ban on gays in the military when so many military officers oppose their efforts? Don't they think that the military knows what's good for it and what isn't?

I for one am inclined to believe the military officers who say that lifting the ban on gays in the military will hurt military readiness, rather than a bunch of politicians who have to make their constituencies happy. And let's face it, the gay community is a major constituency of the Democratic party. Let's take action and tell the president and Congress to keep the ban on gays in the military in place, and that the security of our nation is more important than scoring political points!

I Choose to Believe

2010-01-31T19:57:00.000-05:00

I think I've identified a pretty major stumbling block in my spiritual life. I was praying before Mass started today, and I caught myself asking God to help me have faith. I think this is problematic because I don't really need God's help to have faith. It's a choice that I have to make. I can choose to believe that Jesus Christ was crucified, died, and rose from the dead after three days and because of that the victory over sin and death has already been won. I can choose to believe that Jesus Christ is truly present in the Eucharist, and that he gives me all the graces I need to be a saint in this sacrament. I can choose to believe that the union I experience with Christ after receiving him in the Eucharist can satisfy all the longings of my heart, and that this union is what I long for more than anything, even more than the closeness I think I long for with other men.

It's time to stop praying "God, help me to believe this" or "God, help me to believe that." It's time to make a conscious decision to choose to believe. Does that mean I'm going to stop sinning now, and that I'm going to believe in all the promises of the Gospel with every fiber of my being? Of course not. But instead of praying "God, help me to believe this," my prayer can be the same as the father of the possessed boy who Jesus healed in the Gospel of Mark: "I do believe, help my unbelief!" (Mk 9:24)

Joy

2010-01-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, the chaplain of my Courage chapter gave a talk about joy. Joy is not an emotion that I have been feeling much of lately, unfortunately. For several weeks now, I've been feeling rather lonely and starved for friendship. Whenever I feel like that, it becomes very difficult for me to remain chaste because I tend to use my sexuality as a drug to eliminate negative emotions like loneliness. Of course, giving into masturbation only compounds my problems because it make me feel even more down.

I think there are a number of things I can be doing to pull myself out of the funk I find myself in. One is to just give my problems--my loneliness, my insecurities about my masculinity--over to Christ. I can't handle these things on my own. I need to give my burdens over to the Lord and let him deal with them.

I also really need to be praying for an increase in the virtues of faith and hope. I need to be praying for the faith to really believe in the Lord's promise of eternal life. I need to pray for the grace to really believe, with all my heart, that one day the sufferings of this world will be behind me, and I will be eternally united with Jesus Christ and experience a happiness that I've never known.

It is only by doing these things and remaining close to our Lord in prayer and in the sacraments that I will be able to recover my sense of joy.

California Gay Marriage Trial Turning Into a Joke

2010-01-27T18:06:00.000-05:00

The ongoing trial in California over the constitutionality of Proposition 8, the voter-approved ballot measure that banned same-sex marriage, is quickly becoming a joke. First, the proponents of gay-marriage set out to prove that the voters who supported Proposition 8 were motivated by hate, as if that could be proven. What are they going to do, find all the people who voted for Prop 8, call them to the stand, ask them why the oppose gay marriage? Now opponents of Prop 8 are calling witnesses to the stand who are testifying that the ban on gay marriage is costing state and local governments large amounts of money. According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, Ted Egan, the chief economist in the San Francisco Controller's Office, and M. V. Lee Badgett, the research director at the University of California at Los Angeles's Williams Institute, a sexual-orientation-law think tank, testified that allowing Prop 8 to stand is costing the City of San Francisco $37.2 million a year and the State of California $490 million over three years. Both Egan and Badgett said that these figures represent the spending and tax revenue that could potentially be created by allowing gay weddings.

What does this information have to do with the constitutionality of Prop 8? Whatever your position on gay marriage is, I'm sure you can agree that discussing the economic impact of Prop 8 has no relevance to a trial that is supposed to determine whether or not the law is consistent with California's state constitution.

This testimony also offends me because it is kind of like making a deal with the devil. Sure, the State of California and the City of San Francisco may get all this tax revenue if gay marriages were allowed, but at what cost? The tax revenue that gay marriages may bring in cannot match the cost of all the social programs that the government will have to provide when the institution of marriage essentially means nothing in our society. In addition, all the money in the world can't make up for the misery that homosexuals endure (whether they know it or not) when we essentially send them the message that sexual relationships involving two people of the same sex are just as good as heterosexual ones. And let's not forget the children adopted by homosexual couples. I know a man who knows a teenage girl who was adopted by a lesbian couple, and she is so frustrated because all she is exposed to is the gay lifestyle. We're creating a group of kids that is going to be very confused about appropriate gender roles and how men and women are supposed to interact with one another.

Please, let's pray for the judge in this case, that he doesn't pay any attention to all this talk about lost tax revenue, and that he does what is right and follows the laws of the State of California. Let's also pray for those trapped in the sin of homosexuality and for their conversion, as well as for the children being raised by homosexual couples who need to see the complimentarity of men and women.

Manliness

2010-01-23T23:27:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good day today until tonight, when I let my loneliness and my feelings of insecurity about my manliness get the better of me and I fell into masturbation. I see the same pattern repeating over and over again: I feel this desire for masculinity, which I feel that I am lacking, and I look for something external to make me feel manly. Sometimes this results in me picking up smoking again. I know it sounds funny, but I associate smoking with masculinity. Then when I smoke and I don't feel any manlier, I do other things that I think will make me feel manly, like looking at pornography, masturbating, or trying to have a sexual encounter with another man. This is what happened tonight. Of course none of this makes me feel any manlier either, and I end up feeling very frustrated. I need to remember that the masculinity that I am looking for is already inside of me. I don't need anything external, like a cigarette or another man's body, to make me feel manly.

Some Interesting Stories From This Week

2010-01-23T11:07:00.002-05:00

I saw a couple of interesting stories in the media this week that I thought I should blog about. The first one was a story from Britain's Times Online and it had a very provocative title: "The Day I Decided to Stop Being Gay." Seeing this in Google News the other day, I felt like I had to read it. I was half expecting a story about someone who had found God and had given up homosexuality. While that story would have been great, what I found was something that I feel was just as good: a story about a man named Patrick Muirhead, who lived the homosexual lifestyle for most of his life and decided that it was no longer for him. This all happened because he was in the barber shop one day and he was touched by an interaction between a son and his father. I'll quote some of the story here:

"A handsome young dad entered with a small, fair-haired boy at his side. The man took a seat and hoisted the wide-eyed child proudly on to his knee. The first haircut, I speculated inwardly, as an unfamiliar fatherly glow and feeling of mild envy swept over me. I could not tear my attention away from the mirrored reflections. From time to time, the dad leant forward as they waited and whispered close to his son’s ear, tenderly kissing his fair head. Touching stuff. But then my eyes lowered and I became transfixed by the sight of the boy’s tiny pink fingers gripping his father’s huge, workman-like fist. And I almost wanted to burst into song. I think my life changed at that moment. That’s love, folks. Simple really. A proud dad, an adored little boy and a beautiful display of dependence and responsibility. It was the epiphany I had needed and I emerged with a dashing new haircut and a desire to procreate."

Muirhead goes on to write:

"I was never convinced of my sexuality. True, I never liked football or fighting and I do make a beautifully light Victoria sponge when the need arises. But I shamble like a bloke, I burp and fart without shame and I’ve never really got Barbra Streisand. There was a little voice, lost long ago in the drowning din of my homosexuality, that still called quietly; the smothered, smaller voice of a boy who liked girls."

I think that this is a great story because it totally disproves the notion that homosexual attractions are only the result of biological factors. This is a man who has lived the homosexual lifestyle for decades, yet he has a desire to have children and recognizes the fact that deep down inside he is attracted to women. I don't know how you can argue that homosexual attractions are inherent in people after reading this story. If there are certain men and women who are designed to be in sexual relationships with people of the same sex, then why do they have a desire to have children, when procreation is not possible in the relationships they are supposedly made to be in?

The other story that I wanted to comment on was the story about Cindy McCain posing for pictures for the NOH8 Campaign, the California group that is calling for the legalization of gay marriage. I can't tell you how much pictures like these infuriate me. I'm sure that Mrs. McCain and most other supporters of gay marriage mean well, and that they believe that allowing homosexuals to marry is the compassionate thing to do. I believe that they are seriously misguided, but I don't believe that they are evil or bad people. Yet the pro-gay-marriage campaign seems to want to insist that those who are opposed to gay marriage are all motivated by hate, as if they could know the motivations of all of these people. I find that a little ironic, given the fact that these are the same people who tend to say that those who are opposed to same-sex marriage shouldn't "judge" gays. And they're right--no one should jump to the conclusion that someone is a bad person because they engage in homosexual behavior. But the pro-gay-marriage lobby seems to be guilty of judging those who are opposed to same-sex marriage by implying in these ads that they are motivated by hate. They couldn't be more wrong. I believe, and many others agree with me, that not allowing homosexuals to marry is the compassionate thing to do, because human beings were not created to be in sexual relationships with people of the same sex. That is obvious. And when we live our lives in a way that is not part of God's plan for us, we're not happy. Instead of pushing gay marriage, it would be more compassionate if we spread the Good News of Jesus Christ to those who struggle with same-sex attractions and encourage them to live chaste lives. Doing this is the only way to help homosexuals to discover true happiness.

(Photos courtesy of Times Online and ABC News)

Shame

2010-01-17T19:33:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday night our Courage chaplain gave a very good talk about shame. He told us that we can fall into one of two extremes when it comes to shame: constructing our own moral order (i.e., rationalizing away our sins) in order to get rid of the feelings of shame, or allowing the feeling of shame for something we've done to grow into feeling ashamed for who we are.

I think men and women who are same-sex attracted can easily fall into one of these two extremes. For those who may not be concerned about what the Church teaches, there is a temptation to justify engaging in homosexual behavior, such as saying that, "Well, that's the way God made me. He gave me these feelings, so I might as well act on them." In doing this we can fool ourselves into thinking that there is nothing wrong with what we are doing, and thus eliminate any shame we may feel because of our actions.

I tend to fall into the other extreme: allowing my feelings of shame for my actions transfer to a feeling of shame about myself. I suspect that I'm far from the only person with same-sex attractions who has fallen into this way of thinking. I saw it last week when I fell into masturbation and pornography. I felt ashamed for doing these, and I started feeling disgusted with myself. I see that I do this because I'm just disgusted that I am attracted to men in general. I know that my sexuality is not being used in the way that God intended it to be, but I indulge my urges and feel dirty and unclean afterward.

I think there are a number of remedies for this situation. First, I have to recognize that I likely feel ashamed of myself because our society has done a very good job at defining people based on their sexuality. Society defines people as either "gay," "straight," or "bi." In doing that, society has succeeded in making sexual orientation a big part of a person's identity. So when the category that you fall into involves some type of sinfulness, it's very easy to transfer the feelings of shame about your actions to feelings of shame about yourself. I have to remember that my identity is more than who I am sexually attracted to, despite what society says. I am a man made in the image and likeness of God, and because of that I have an enormous amount of dignity. I have no reason to be ashamed of myself.

Another cure for shame is to bring my sins out into the light, and to have as much accountability as possible. I think that talking about my sins with good friends can help prevent me from feeling ashamed of myself rather than simply being ashamed of my actions. This is one of the great things about Courage. I can talk freely about topics like masturbation and other sexual sins with other people who also struggle with same-sex attractions. I think that my involvement in Courage over the last several years has been a tremendous help for me in eliminating the sense of shame I feel about being attracted to other men.

The Horror of Sin

2010-01-11T00:08:00.001-05:00

So last night my loneliness got the better of me, and I fell into masturbation and pornography. I really wish that I could learn that my sexuality is not to be used as a drug to alleviate any kind of negative feelings I may be having, including loneliness. But it's just not sinking in fast enough. I keep repeating the same sins over and over again, usually for the same reason. I need to be patient with myself.

Something interesting has been happnening to me lately that happened again last night: feeling sick to my stomach after masturbating and fantazing about men. I've never actually thrown up, but last night I thought that I might because I was so disgusted by the homosexual pornography that I had been looking at. I'm glad that this is disgusting me and that I am feeling physically ill. I think that this is the beginning of a really strong conversion. At least I hope so. I know that my sexuality, which is supposed to be a beautiful life-giving gift for me to give my wife on my wedding night, has been twisted into something ugly and selfish. And I hate that. I know that the only way it's going to be untwisted is by being chaste, no matter how difficult that may be.

Exhausted

2010-01-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

Well, the title of this blog post pretty much sums up how I feel today: exhausted. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I've been feeling a little lonely and starved for attention over the past couple days, and that's never a good thing. The devil always like to mess with me when I'm feeling that way. And he's doing it today. When I was praying this morning before the Blessed Sacrament, the voice in my mind kept telling me "Why are you wasting your time here? This is all a fairy tale." This was the devil, or my flesh, tempting me to get up, leave the church, and go back to homosexuality. This is always a dangerous temptation, because when I'm lonely homosexuality starts to look good to me again. Fortunately, though, God is helping me to fight this temptation. I know that God and my faith are not "fairy tales," because I know that I would not have been able to refrain from engaging in homosexual behavior for nearly four years if it had not been for my faith in Jesus Christ. There's no way. When I was living the homosexual lifestyle and I got sick of it, I tried to stop having sex with men without God's help and I couldn't do it. So I know that He is real, because I see how He has helped me. God is also helping me to remember that having sexual relationships with men did nothing to satisfy the longing that I felt for intimacy with other men. In fact, it only made it worse, because I felt more removed from the world of men.

I think I really need to spend some more time in prayer and doing spiritual reading today to refresh my soul.

Some Thoughts About Vocations

2010-01-03T18:08:00.003-05:00

For the past month or so, I've been giving a lot of thought to what my vocation may or may not be. Actually, my discernment started several years ago, shortly after my confirmation. It all began with a pretty powerful experience at Eucharistic adoration and confession one night. It was the first time that I had ever been to Eucharistic adoration before, and I was kind of blown away by it. I really felt like that the Lord Jesus was present with us in that church. And of course, he was. The confession I made that night was also very powerful because it was very cleansing. I didn't confess any mortal sins, but I did mention some serious sins that I had never confessed before. I left feeling like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders. In short, I had a pretty powerful conversion experience. I started thinking about my past life and my involvement with serious sins like homosexuality, and I concluded that I had this powerful experience at Eucharistic adoration because God was calling me to the priesthood. Over the next couple months, I prayed for God to show me if He was in fact calling me to be a priest. I got what I thought were a number of confirmations. But when I finally met with the vocations director of my diocese, he told me that having been involved in homosexuality for nearly seven years made me ineligible for the seminary. I was shocked by this, because I had been so sure that God was calling me to be a priest. I went home and read the Vatican instruction on the priesthood and men with same-sex attractions. I've read it and reread it several times since then. After reading this document so many times, I've come to the conclusion that it could be possible for me to be a priest someday, if I overcome my same-sex attractions.

In the years since, I've come to terms with being told that I am not able to be a priest, at least not right now. Thanks to my spiritual director, I've seen that what took place at Eucharistic adoration that night was God calling me to the universal vocation of holiness. In addition to helping me to understand what really took place that night, my spiritual director has also urged me not to give a lot of thought to what my particular vocation, or my vocation beyond the universal vocation to holiness, might be. He told me that I needed to focus more on healing from my past sins. I took his advice and forgot about vocations.

That all changed last month. One day, I was thinking about living in community and how that appeals to me. It occurred to me that perhaps God was calling me to religious life. I know several people in religious life who also struggle with same-sex attractions, so I thought that it wasn't impossible for me to have the same vocation as they do. I concluded that while religious life has some appeal to me, it was probably something that I should put on the back burner for now. And that was what I had intended to do until I received an invitation for a vocations weekend with a local religious order. I thought the timing of this invitation was interesting, considering that just several days before I had been thinking about religious life and how God might be calling me to a religious vocation. "Could this be a sign from God?" I thought to myself. I decided to accept the invitation and attend the vocations weekend. I came away thinking that while I enjoyed spending time in that setting, I didn't think that that community was for me.

I've given it some more thought in the weeks since. I decided that although religious life does have an appeal to me, I don't think that I have a religious vocation or a vocation to the priesthood, should I ever completely overcome my same-sex attractions. I say this because both of those vocations are too predictable, so to speak, for a person with my history with same-sex attractions. With all due respect to priests and religious who do not struggle with same-sex attractions, many people in the world and in the Church associate the priesthood and religious life with homosexuality. They believe that men and women with same-sex attractions belong in those vocations, since they cannot get married. So many are not surprised to find men and women with same-sex attractions in religious life or same-sex attracted men in the priesthood. Should I be called to religious life or the priesthood and tell my conversion story to the average person, would they come to the conclusion that God is awesome and that he can really transform our lives around in unbelievable ways? I don't think so. I think the average person would think that it is only natural that someone with a history of homosexuality would end up in the religious life or the priesthood.

In addition, I would not be making the same sacrifice in choosing religious life as a man who does not struggle with same-sex attractions. I'm sure most of the men in religious life in the Church today do not struggle with same-sex attractions, contrary to popular belief, and that they have given up marriage and families of their own because they love Jesus and they truly believe that religious life is where they can serve him best. They've made a huge sacrifice to accept their vocation. I feel that if I, as a same-sex attracted man, accepted that vocation myself, I would cheapen the sacrifice they are making.

I believe that the only vocations that I could have that would bring glory to God are either marriage or the single life. Could you imagine the reaction that the same average person I described above would have to my conversion story if I overcame my same-sex attractions and got married? I think they would definitely come away with a feeling that God is great and that He can do amazing things with us if we have faith. I think they would have the same reaction if I were single and living a chaste life in spite of the same-sex attractions. This is very counter-cultural. When was the last time you saw a TV show or movie that portrayed a same-sex attracted Catholic living a chaste live? I don't think such a character has ever existed in modern times! But we do exist in the real world. A same-sex attracted man or woman living a chaste life would definitely bring glory to God and would be a powerful witness to a society that seems to view homosexual behavior as something good.

Taking all of that into account, the only conclusion I can come to is that my vocation is either marriage or the single life. Only time will tell if I am right.

So Long 2009, Hello 2010!

2009-12-31T16:06:00.001-05:00

It's about 4:00 p.m. on December 31, which means that there are about eight hours left in 2009. What a year this has been. I don't think I can recall another year in my life that has been so difficult and yet held so much promise.

I say this year has been difficult because my struggles with chastity seem to have intensified. I seem to be falling into masturbation and lust more often now than I had in the past. One reason why I think these issues are becoming more difficult to deal with is because some of the pain from my childhood, particularly the loneliness I felt from being rejected by my male peers, is increasingly coming to the surface. Earlier this year, I felt a particularly strong desire for a romantic relationship with another man. In fact, I came very close to giving up my faith and leaving the Church and pursuing such a relationship. I know this is a consequence of the isolation I felt as a kid. But by the grace of God, I didn't. I know that if I had, I would have been living a lie. I would have been believing the lie that the world tells us: that homosexual attractions are innate, and that there is nothing you can do about them, so you might as well just act on them. Fortunately, I know the truth: that I am a man made in God's image and likeness, and that my dignity as a human being is not compatible with homosexual behavior. I also know that my body was made to be sexually united to a woman's, not a man's, and that my sexuality is a gift that should be given to my wife one day, God willing.

I've also been able to get up each time and keep going after I fall into sexual sin because I am increasingly accepting the fact that I have a sinful nature, just like every other person on the face of the earth. I don't say that to excuse my sins. But since I know that I have a sinful nature, I can be easy on myself and not beat myself up every time I masturbate. Patience has been key too. I know that I didn't get into this situation overnight, and I know that it's not going to end overnight either.

But even amidst all of challenges and setbacks I have experienced this year, there have also been some things that have made me hopeful and optimistic about what the coming year has in store for me. For starters, my sexual attractions seem to be moving away from men and towards women. I blogged about this a couple of weeks ago. One reason why my sexual attractions seem to becoming more heterosexual is the fact that more and more I'm seeing that I am a man who is just like other men. I really feel like I've really identified with other men, which I think is key in healing from homosexual attractions. More important than that though is the fact that my relationship with the Lord is growing. My life is much more centered around prayer and the sacraments than it was this time last year. I usually pray morning and evening prayer every day, along with the Holy Rosary. I'm also fortunate enough to be living somewhere now where it is very convenient to make it to daily Mass after work, which means that I can receive Our Lord in Holy Communion almost every day.

So as I prepare to welcome 2010, I am optimistic about what the new year may hold. I know that there will still be difficulties ahead, but as long as I stay close to Christ in prayer and in the sacraments, I'll be able to overcome anything that comes my way.

Happy new year everyone! May God bless you all!

Reflections on the Feast of St. Stephen, Protomartyr

2009-12-26T17:37:00.000-05:00

Today was the Feast of St. Stephen, the Church's first martyr. I was really struck by the first reading from the Office of Readings today, which was a longer version of the first reading at today's Mass. In this reading, we hear how St. Stephen is debating some men in the synagogue, and he's saying some things that people don't like and can't rebut. So the men who St. Stephen is debating make up some lies about him. St. Stephen then speaks up in his own defense, but he further infuriates the crowd, who then take him out of the city and stone him to death. While he's being pummeled with stones, St. Stephen prays to God to receive his spirit, and asks Him to forgive those who are killing him.

Several things struck me about this reading. One was how St. Stephen, like Jesus, asked the Father to forgive those who were hurting him. I was also struck by the response of the men St. Stephen was debating. They can't counter what he's saying, so they make up a lie that he is blaspheming against God and Moses. This is similar to something we are seeing today in the debate over gay marriage. Some of those who favor gay marriage can't rebut the arguments of those who oppose it, so they resort to calling them "homophobes" and saying they're full of hate. Things haven't changed much in 2,000 years, have they?

I was also struck by how St. Stephen stood his ground even while he was being stoned to death. This got me thinking about how I would respond in a situation in which I was called to defend the faith, or speak the truth when doing would cause me some problems or make me unpopular. Would I be like St. Stephen and stick to my guns, or would I be a coward and not speak the truth? I have feeling that I may have to answer this question at some point in the future. I'm sure that what I write on this blog about homosexuality isn't going to win me many friends. It's not exactly politically correct in our society to say that homosexual behavior is immoral or that it is not something that is inherent in people. Right now it's pretty easy for me to say these things because I'm doing it online, on an anonymous blog. But will God someday ask of me to stand up for the truth in love, come what may? I hope and pray that I might be as courageous as St. Stephen and accept whatever suffering comes from speaking the truth and defending the faith.

St. Stephen, pray for us.

What Are You Giving Jesus for Christmas?

2009-12-25T20:47:00.001-05:00

The other night I was I watching EWTN and they were showing an old re-run of Mother Angelica's show. During the program, Mother was asking the audience what they were giving Jesus for Christmas. Usually we don't think about what we are going to give Jesus for Christmas, but we should, Mother said, because after all it is his birthday.

As I heard people call in to the program and tell Mother what they were going to give the King of Kings for his birthday, I started to think about what I would give him. What could I possibly give Jesus Christ for Christmas?

Well, there is actually a lot I can do for Jesus on his birthday. I think this Christmas I'm going to start by humbly accepting the advice my spiritual director gives me. Sometimes my spiritual director advises me to do something, and I don't do it because I don't want to. Or I do it for a little while and stop. I think this really needs to stop. Every time I reject my spiritual director's advice and do my own thing, I always get very clear signs from God that I need to be a little more humble and follow the advice I'm getting. For example, I recently finished reading St. Therese of Lisieux's autobiography "The Story of a Soul." Towards the end of the book, she says that nuns are "always assured of being on the right path" so long as they do the will of their superiors. She adds that when a nun stops following what she is told by her superiors, she "steps away from the path that she [the superior] says to follow and maintains that [God] isn't perfectly enlightening those who nonetheless stand in His place, immediately the soul goes astray into arid paths where it is soon lacking the water of grace." This passage really speaks to me, even though I'm not a nun who's taken vows of obedience. It resonates with me because it helps me to see that God has put this spiritual director in my life for a reason, and that He is using him to help me grow in faith and holiness. I just need to trust that God is "perfectly enlightening" my spiritual director.

So Jesus, that is my birthday present to you: obedience. Happy birthday!

N.M. Judge Upholds Ruling Against Photographers Who Refused to Work at Lesbian Commitment Ceremony

2009-12-19T12:21:00.001-05:00

A judge in New Mexico on Dec. 18 upheld a ruling against two Christian photographers who refused to take pictures at a commitment ceremony that two lesbian women wanted to hold in 2006. Barring an appeal, the photographers, Elaine and Jon Huguenin, will have to pay one of the women more than $6,600 in attorney's fees because they were found to have discriminated against her and her partner. Read the entire story here.

I don't know what the laws of the state of New Mexico are, but I find it ridiculous that people with deeply-held Christian beliefs should be forced to go against those beliefs by working at a homosexual commitment ceremony. I'm sure there are plenty of other photography companies that would have been happy to photograph this ceremony. These two women should have had no problems getting pictures at their ceremony. I think the people of New Mexico should put some pressure on their elected officials to change their discrimination laws so that there are some reasonable exemptions for people with deeply-held religious beliefs.

Can Sexual Orientation be Changed?

2009-12-07T20:16:00.004-05:00

There's a great deal of debate over whether a person's sexual orientation can be changed. From my own experience, I can definitely tell you that my sexual orientation has been somewhat fluid. When I was a teenager, I was definitely interested in girls. My first sexual fantasies were about girls. But as I got older, I started to think less and less about girls and women and more and more about men. By the time I was in my 20s, all of my sexual fantasies and sexual experience was with men.

Now I'm seeing signs that my sexual orientation is shifting back towards women. Last night, I fell into masturbation twice after being very tempted by sexual thoughts about a woman. I wish that I hadn't fallen into the sins of lust and masturbation, but I'm happy to see that my sexual orientation is moving back towards women.

I think a lot of people who are living the gay lifestyle would probably laugh at this and try to tell me that I'm gay and that I should just accept it as who I am because it's not going to change. I find it funny that gays readily admit that people can be heterosexual all of their life and become homosexual, but won't admit that it can work the other way around too. What's up with that?

I think the Gospel reading from the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, which the Catholic Church celebrates tomorrow, has an answer for us to the question of whether a person's sexual orientation can be changed.

The angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin’s name was Mary. And coming to her, he said, “Hail, full of grace! The Lord is with you.” But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his Kingdom there will be no end.” But Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?” And the angel said to her in reply, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God. And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God.” Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” Then the angel departed from her (Lk 1:26-38).

Beautiful, huh?

Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles Elects Openly Gay Bishop

2009-12-06T20:00:00.001-05:00

The Los Angeles Times has an interesting story on its Web site about the Rev. Canon Mary D. Glasspool, who clergy and lay leaders of the Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles elevated to the rank of bishop on Dec. 5. According to the story, Rev. Glasspool has been in a homosexual relationship with another woman for more than 20 years. Glasspool still needs to be confirmed by a majority of the Episcopal church's diocesan bishops and standing committees, which include clergy and lay representatives. However, the committee is unlikely to refuse her confirmation, the Times noted. Assuming she is confirmed, Glasspool will become the first openly gay bishop in the church since it rescinded its ban on gay and lesbians in the episcopate.

One thing that really stood out for me in this story was a quote from the main bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles, the Rt. Rev. J. Jon Bruno. According to Bruno, who the Times said was an outspoken advocate for the rights of gays in the Episcopal church, the election of Glasspool will likely cause additional controversy for a church that has been nearly torn apart by the election of the Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson as bishop of the diocese of New Hampshire in 2003. But Bruno said that wasn't important. "...As far as I'm concerned," he said, "we need to look at Jesus and what Jesus would call us to do."

With all due respect to Bishop Bruno and Bishop-elect Glasspool, I don't think what Jesus would have done is to put someone who is in a homosexual relationship in a leadership position of the Episcopal church. Now some may say that that is harsh. But I disagree. Scripture is very clear in its condemnation of homosexuality. The Bible also very clearly tells us that we are all called to holiness. That means that we are all called to follow God's commandments and His will for our lives as best we can with His grace. But when the Episcopal church puts someone who is in a serious state of sin in a leadership position, it is effectively telling people that it's OK that God's commandments are ignored, and that we don't need to lead holy lives. This is a scandal. It also sends the erroneous message that homosexuality is not sinful, when the Bible clearly says otherwise.

My hope and my prayer is that Bishop Bruno realizes this, and that Bishop-elect Glasspool steps down for the good of the people of the Episcopal church.

(Photo Courtesy of the Los Angeles Times)

A Victory in the Fight to Preserve the Sanctity of Marriage, But More Battles on the Horizon

2009-12-02T20:52:00.001-05:00

Earlier today, the New York state Senate voted 38-24 against legalizing gay marriages. Read the Christian Science Monitor's story here. Unfortunately, this comes on the heels of the District of Columbia's 11-2 vote on Dec. 1 for a bill that will legalize same-sex marriages in our nation's capital. Read the Washington Times' story here. The bill is scheduled to be voted on again on Dec. 15, and it is almost certain to pass. Washington, D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty has vowed to sign the bill into law. After that, there is a 30-day congressional review, but analysts say that, given the Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress, there is little chance that the law will be overturned.

Meanwhile, Meredith Baxter of "Family Ties" fame announced to the world on the "Today" show that she is a lesbian. Baxter said her coming out is a "political act" and that she hopes that her revelation will convince others not to "vote against them [homosexuals] to take away their rights."

But contrary to what Ms. Baxter said, the vast majority of Americans do not want to take away the rights of anyone who has same-sex attractions. I'm sure that most people would agree with me when I say that homosexuals should not be discriminated against by an employer or be refused housing simply because they are homosexuals. But we don't believe that we as a nation should be "redefining" marriage and cheapening its meaning even more than we already have. The question of what a marriage is is not a question of "rights." Nowhere in the U.S. Constitution does it say that people have a right to marry whoever they want. But the question of what a marriage is is about ensuring that children grow up in families with a mother and a father. Studies have consistently shown that children that grow up in a home where both their mother and father are present do much better than kids who do not. This debate also have everything to do with maintaining the sanctity of marriage and ensuring that an institution that is at the foundation of our society does not collapse.

I'm deeply concerned that there is now yet another prominent person that will be speaking out in favor of legalizing gay marriages. I will be praying, and I hope the readers of this blog will join me, for the conversion of Ms. Baxter. I also pray that more people will see the truth about homosexuality and the wisdom of not redefining a vital institution like the institution of marriage.

Fighting Temptations

2009-11-28T12:25:00.000-05:00

As I was reading through the Gospel According to St. Matthew recently, I came across the section where Jesus is in the desert and is being tempted by the Devil.

Then Jesus was led by the spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. He fasted for forty days and forty nights, and afterwards he was hungry. The tempter approached him and said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command that these stones become loaves of bread." He said in reply, "It is written: 'One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.'" Then the devil took him to the holy city, and made him stand on the parapet of the temple, and said to him, "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written: 'He will command his angels concerning you' and 'with their hands they will support you, lest you dash your foot against a stone.'" Jesus answered him, "Again it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord, your God to the test." Then the devil took him up to a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in their magnificence, and he said to him, "All these I shall give you, if you will prostrate yourself and worship me." At this, Jesus said to him, "Get away, Satan! It is written: 'The Lord, your God, shall you worship and him alone shall you serve.'" Then the devil left him and, behold, angels came and ministered to him. (Mt 4:1-11).

Reading this passage gives me a great deal of knowledge about how to fight temptation, particularly the temptation to fall into homosexual sin or masturbation. The first thing that struck me when I read this passage a couple of weeks ago was how the Devil quotes scripture to tempt Jesus, but uses the scripture he quotes incorrectly. The Devil does something similar when he tempts us. He mixes in a little bit of truth in with lies. When I feel tempted to masturbate, for example, I'm tempted to think that engaging in that sin will aleviate my anxiety or that it will help dull the pain of loneliness. Both of these feelings are lies mixed in with a little bit of truth. Yes, masturbating does eliminate the anxiety and tension that goes along with fighting a temptation, but it results in spiritual death. Masturbation has made me very selfish and self-centered, and takes me away from God every time I do it. Masturbation also does nothing to get rid of my loneliness. Although I'm using a part of my body that is meant to draw me into intimacy with a woman, I am using it in a way that causes me to focus on myself and my own needs. That in turn makes it difficult to have intimacy with another person.

This passage also shows something else that is very important: how to fight temptation. Everytime the devil comes at Jesus with a scripture passage that is used incorrectly, Jesus comes back with the correct use of scripture. So here our Lord teaches us that we fight temptations with the truth. What does that mean practically for those of us that struggle with same-sex attractions? It means recognizing the consequences of sexual sins such as masturbation, as I noted above. But it also means knowing the truth about what is driving our sexual attractions. For example, I've seen in my life that my feelings of inadequacy as a man are big factor in my same-sex attractions. I often feel like I am not as manly as other men. I have to fight this by recognizing that this is not true. I am just as much of a man as other men. I have to recognize that manliness in myself. Another lie that I have fallen for lately is the lie that I want a romantic relationship with another man. The truth is is that I was not made to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with a man. My body was made to be united with a woman's body, not a man's. Knowing that has helped me to see that my desire for platonic friendships with other men and my desire for sexual intimacy have gotten all knotted up together, kind of like the Christmas lights that you take out of the box every year. Fortunately, God is helping me to get those feelings untangled.

Knowing the truth about ourselves is important for all of us, not just those of us with same-sex attractions. The more we know the truth, the more we know Jesus, since he is the truth personified (Jn 14:6).

Giving Thanks

2009-11-27T10:43:00.000-05:00

As you all know, yesterday was Thanksgiving, the day when we as a nation give thanks for all the many blessings our God has bestowed on us. When I was a kid, we used to go around the table before dinner naming one thing that we were thankful for. I think a lot of families probably did this and continue to do this now. But over the years, my family stopped this tradition. I think something similar has happened to me on a personal level at the same time. As I got older, I started thinking less and less about what I was thankful for and more and more about what was wrong with my life.

Over the last several weeks, I've seen how not focusing on my blessings has affected me. As I've mentioned previously, I've been feeling rather lonely lately and have been thinking a lot about how I don't really feel close to anyone in my life right now. This thinking has caused me to feel a bit deprived of friendships, and when I feel deprived of anything it's tough to be at peace. But instead of focusing on what may be wrong with my friendships, I should be giving thanks to God for the friends I do have. There are probably some people out there who have fewer friends than I do, maybe even some that have no friends at all. No matter how bad we think we have it, there are always people who are worse off than we are. Realizing this helps me to keep my problems in perspective, and helps me to choose to be happy with what I have rather than wanting what I don't have.

After seeing how not focusing on my blessings has affected me, I resolved to start giving thanks to God for all the things that he has done for me. He's given me a family and friends that love me, He has given me health, a place to live, and a job to support myself. Most importantly, He has given me the faith to see Him acting in my life. So while I have problems, just like everyone, I am truly blessed.

As the priest who celebrated the Mass I went to yesterday said, giving thanks to God is a central part of our Catholic faith. The word "Eucharist" means thanksgiving. Since we celebrate the Eucharist every day, we should also give thanks to our God every day for everything that He has done and continues to do for us. We don't need to wait until the fourth Thursday of November to give thanks for our blessings.

Friendship and Men With Same-Sex Attractions

2009-11-22T15:09:00.002-05:00

One thing that I have noticed about myself since I learned about the root causes of my same-sex attractions is the amount of importance I have placed on forming good friendships with other men. As you may recall from my conversion story, my own personal experience and research has led me to conclude that I developed same-sex attractions because my desire for intimacy and friendship with other men had become sexualized. Learning this was tremendously freeing, because it confirmed what I had suspected for a long time: that I did not have same-sex attractions because I was born that way, but because something had gone wrong in my childhood. However, it also led to a bit of frustration too because it has caused me to place too much importance on developing close friendships with other men as a way to get rid of the same-sex attractions.

Over the last several days, the Lord has really helped me to see that I am making a major mistake by allowing myself to persist in this type of thinking. I say this for a number of reasons. For starters, placing too much importance on my friendships has caused me to constantly analyze my relationships with other men to see if they are "close." Usually, my determination on how close I am to someone is based on my feelings. So if I'm feeling good and I just had a good time hanging out with someone, I'm usually inclined to think that I'm pretty close to that person. But if I'm not feeling so good, and it's been awhile since I've hung out with a particular person, or the last time I spent time with that individual was not a pleasant experience, I'm usually inclined to think that now I'm NOT close to that person, in spite of the previous good experiences. I'm sure you can see the problem with this type of thinking. I'm letting my feelings and emotions dictate the status of my relationships, rather than looking at the hard facts. This has caused me to many times feel deprived of close friendships, when the truth is that I have a number of friends that I consider myself to be close with. I also see that this feeling of deprivation has become a stumbling block in my spiritual life, because it is not compatible with feeling at peace.

Placing too much importance on my friendships has also caused another problem in my spiritual life: not looking to Jesus for the intimacy that I am longing for. I have noticed lately that the people that I most want affection from are also the most Christ-like people I know. I don't think this is a coincidence. I want that person in my life because I see Jesus Christ in them, but what I'm really longing for is JUST Jesus Christ, no one else. I don't mean to suggest that friendships aren't important, because they are. But I should not be so caught up in pursuing the reflection of Jesus Christ that I see in others, when I can pursue Jesus Christ Himself. And the best part of this realization is that Christ is ready to give me the intimacy I am longing for right now through the graces of the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Holy Eucharist. He is always ready to offer me his friendship and pour out his love on me. I can't say the same for my friends. They're busy sometimes, they have bad days, etc., etc. They can't always give me the love and the attention that I am looking for. But Jesus Christ can. And if I'm faithful to him in this life, he will satisfy all the longings of my heart in the next life.

The D.C. City Council's So-Called "Religious Freedom" Bill

2009-11-14T12:04:00.001-05:00

There is a controversey brewing in the Archdiocese of Washington over a bill currently before the D.C. City Council that would legalize same-sex "marriages" in our nation's capital. The Archdiocese of Washington is upset because the legislation, known as the Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Equality Amendment Act of 2009, could force Catholic Charities to extend benefits to same-sex couples because it receives money from the city. According to a press release from the archdiocese, the bill could also force Catholic Charities to facilitate adoptions to same-sex couples. Rather than allow either of these things to happen, the Archdiocese of Washington has said that it will be forced to end its contracts with the city to provide a variety of services to the poor. In a recent Washington Post article, Catholic Charities President and CEO Edward J. Orzechowski is quoted as saying that if the archdiocese is forced to abandon its contracts with the city, programs such as medical clinics and GED tutoring programs could be hurt. The D.C. City Council, meanwhile, seems unwilling to compromise with the archdiocese on this issue.

The Church is really getting a bad rap in this whole controversy. For example, Washington Post columnist Petula Dvorak wrote in a Nov. 13 article that "officials at the Archdiocese of Washington and Catholic Charities are telling our city's most vulnerable people -- homeless families, sick children, low-income mothers -- that they are willing to throw them on the table as a bargaining chip."

This is not what is happening at all. The Church is not saying that the legalization of same-sex marriages in the District of Columbia alone would force it to stop providing services to the poor. Orzechowski even told the Washington Post that Catholic Charities is "going to continue to serve those in need. But how we do that, where we do it and the manner in which we do it is what's at risk." What the Church is simply saying is that this law would require it to go against the teaching that marriage is between one man and one woman. Granted, the legislation would not require the Church to perform same-sex weddings, but it would require it to provide spousal benefits to same-sex couples, which is bascially like asking it to recognize such relationships as legitimate marriages. As a result, organizations like Catholic Charities that accept city funds to provide services to our less fortunate brothers and sisters may have to refuse city funds, and thus scale back those services, if the legislation does not exempt them from providing spousal benefits to same-sex couples.

In my opinion, the D.C. City Council is the one who is in the wrong here. All it would need to do to end this impasse is to simply add an exemption to the bill that is under consideration to exempt the Church from providing spousal benefits and adoption services to same-sex couples. No laws should be passed to force those in the Church to disregard their religious beliefs. Granted, the Church would still not be happy that same-sex marriage is now legal in Washington, D.C., but it would still be able to continue providing the same services to the city's poor as it does now.

Richard Dawkins and the Catholic Church

2009-11-11T11:18:00.001-05:00

Richard Dawkins, the author of "The God Delusion," wrote a recent blog post in the Washington Post's OnFaith section about the Vatican's decision to make it easier for disaffected Anglicans to be received into the Catholic Church. In his post, Dawkins makes a number of serious and incorrect accusations against the Catholic church, including some regarding the alleged homosexual bias in the Church and pedophelia among priests. Dawkins also made some other serious charges against the Church in the post, but since the focus of my blog is homosexuality, I'm going to address the claims that were made about the Church's promotion of "prejudice against homosexuals" and child sexual abuse by members of the clergy.

As I noted, Dawkins wrote that the Church is prejudiced against homosexuals, but cited no specific reasons for why he thought this. I can only assume that he was referring to the Church's teaching on the immorality of homosexual acts and its teaching that marriage is a relationship between one man and woman. The notion that the Church is somehow prejudiced against homosexuals because it teaches that homosexual acts are immoral is preposterous. As someone who experiences same-sex attractions and who has engaged in homosexual behavior many times, I can tell you that each time I had sex with a man I felt like I had just thrown away my dignity. There's a good reason why I felt that way: sodomy and oral sex are not compatible with our diginity as human persons made in the image and likness of God. Homosexuals deserve better than sodomy and other demeaning forms of sex, and that is one of the reasons why the Church teaches that such acts are immoral. As I have mentioned in a previous post, this teaching is borne out of love, not hate. The Church has also made it very clear in the Catechism that those who experience same-sex attractions "must (emphasis mine) be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided." (again, emphasis mine) Sounds like a really hateful institution, doesn't it?

Dawkins also claims in this blog post that "buggering the altar boys pervades (emphasis mine) the culture" in the Catholic Church. It is true that there have been many unfortunate cases of child sexual abuse at the hands of clergy in the Church. But how can an atheist say that something is pervasive in a Church that he does not belong to? I think these cases of sexual abuse are being committed by a small percentage of priests. I know many priests, and all of them are faithful and holy men who have sacrificed marriage and families of their own to bring the sacraments to the faithful. Again, this is done out of love: love for God and love for His people.

Finally, I just want to say that I am saddened that the Washington Post allows this kind of trash in its OnFaith section. People have a right to their opinions, but I'm not sure Mr. Dawkins could have gotten away with his using the language he used in this blog post if he had been talking about any other institution besides the Catholic Church.

More Trials and Tribulations

2009-11-10T16:16:00.000-05:00

Things continue to be very difficult for me in my struggles with chastity. Last night, I gave into my urge to masturbate without much of a fight. It's a bit frustrating because I'm getting sick of committing and confessing the same sin over and over again. But I guess I'm just getting a little tired of fighting. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be getting much refreshment for my soul from the sacraments, prayer, and spiritual reading. Nevertheless, I plan on picking myself up, going to confession, and starting over again.

Today at work I remembered something that a friend told me awhile back. This friend had also had some problems with masturbation in the past, but he said that he began to overcome it when he "surrendered" to God. I don't think I really understood what he meant at the time, but today it became very clear to me what he was talking about: I need to accept my temptations as something that God allows in order to test and strengthen my faith. The only way that I can do this is is by trusting in God, trusting that everything that happens to me happens for my benefit and/or the benefit of others.

I also began to think today about what the readers of this blog who may not be practicing Catholics must think when I talk about all these trials and tribulations. Maybe some of them are struggling with same-sex attractions themselves, and they're looking for answers and somehow came across my blog. I don't think I've made the Christian life look too appealing. So I thought I'd answer the question that maybe some of you have, and one that I often have myself: Why do I bother doing this? Why do I bother resisting my temptations to masturbate and to have homosexual relationships? Why don't I just give into my urges? OK, that's three questions. I really wish I could say that it is because of my great faith and my love of God, but that would be a lie. I mean I have some faith and some love for God, but by and large these things are not motivating me to strive for holiness. I guess my main motivation is my memories of what it was like living a promiscuous homosexual lifestyle. I remember all too well how horrible that life was. It was a very frustrating and confusing time. I know now that when I was having all of those homosexual encounters, I was really looking for a savior, not sex with another man. I was looking for Jesus Christ. To a lesser extent, I was looking for the love and affection I never found as a boy. I certainly didn't find these things in having homosexual enounters with people I met off of Internet chat rooms. I was also subconsciously looking for validation of my manhood through bodily contact with other men. But instead of making me feel more like a man, homosexual sex made me feel like less of one. It made me feel more removed from the world of men. I began to feel like I wasn't quite a man, but of course not a woman either. I felt like I was a member of some third sex. It was a horrible feeling. Now that, with the grace of God, I have been able to refrain from having homosexual encounters, I feel like I'm beginning to have my emotional needs met. Not running to the Internet to arrange a homosexual encounter every time I feel lonely is forcing me to seek intimacy with Christ and to seek platonic intimacy with other men. As a result, my relationship with Christ is deepening, and so are my friendships. This has been a true blessing, and I am much happier now that I am striving for holiness than I was when I was giving into all of my desires. So even though the Christian life is not easy, and there are a lot of trials and difficulties, there is much more joy to be found in seeking God than there is in pleasing oneself by masturbating or having an anonymous homosexual encounter.

Yet Another Sign We are Losing Our Religious Freedoms

2009-11-07T10:48:00.001-05:00

I just read a disturbing article on FoxNews.com about a man in Massachusetts who was fired from his job for telling a female colleague who repeatedly told him about her marriage to another woman that homosexuality was "bad stuff."

According to the company the man worked for, Brookstone, the comment was grounds for termination because he imposed his beliefs on this woman and because calling her "deviant" and "immoral" constituted "harrasment" and "discrimination" under their zero-tolerance policy. The man, Peter Vidala, said that he never told the woman that she was deviant, but rather that homosexual behavior was, in that it deviates from the norm.

Now I don't know what this company's zero-tolerance policy states, or what the specifics of this conversation were. But what I gather from this story is that the woman wanted to have some kind of discussion with Vidala about her marriage to another woman because she mentioned it four times. It seems pretty obvious to me that she wanted him to comment on it. Being a Christian, Vidala should have every right to say, in a loving and respectful way, that has faith tells him that homosexuality is immoral. This woman had the right to repeatedly tell him about her "marriage;" Vidala should have had the right to respond.

(Photo courtesy of FoxNews.com)

Faith and Hope

2009-11-06T20:50:00.001-05:00

The last several days have been difficult for me in my struggle with chastity. I was feeling very tempted to masturbate on Wednesday night, and I gave into this temptation several times. I also got in touch with a couple of men who I thought may have been interested in having a sexual encounter with me. Fortunately, it was all a lot of talk and nothing happened. It seems that no matter how tempted I am to have a homosexual encounter, I can't bring myself to actually do it. When it comes time to make a move and go to someone's house, I hesitate and I don't go through with it. Thanks be to God for that!

I usually do quite a bit of soul searching in the day or two after a big fall like the one I had Wednesday, and I saw very clearly during this period of soul searching that I am seriously lacking in the virtues of faith and hope. I say that I am lacking in faith because deep down I don't believe that God is enough for me. Part of me does not want to give up the sins of masturbation and homosexuality. They bring me too much pleasure. They help me to mask the pain I'm feeling and help me to avoid dealing with this pain. But then of course is the other part of me that is disgusted by these sins, a part of me that sees and knows all too well that masturbating and engaging in homosexual behavior is beneath my dignity as a man made in the image and likeness of God. I also say that I'm lacking in faith because deep down I don't believe that God will help me overcome my temptations and set me free from the sins of masturbation, lust, and homosexuality. I can control myself for a couple weeks, maybe even a few months, but eventually I get to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't masturbate or have a homosexual encounter. And usually when I come to this point, it becomes very easy for me to give in, because I feel like God has abandoned me. In truth, He has not... He's been there all along. He's just allowing me to undergo a trial. In addition, I think that maybe possible that on a subconscious level I don't believe that God has forgiven me for my sins. I realized this yesterday as I was going to confession. I constantly look back on my past sins, instead of realizing that the Sacrament of Penance allows me to start over with a clean slate, and to look to the future and realize that God has freed me from the bondage of sin. I'm the one who decides to put the shackles back on by masturbating, lusting, or attempting to have a homosexual encounter.

My habitual sins of masturbation and lust, and my tendency to attempt to have homosexual enounters are also indications that I am lacking in hope. All I've known all of my life is darkness and sin, and it's really hard for me to believe that one day God will set me free from these sins. I don't know whether it's going to happen in this life or the next, but I do know (intellectually) that it is going to happen. The problem is that I don't believe it in my heart. I really need to spend some time meditating every day on the joys of heaven that God has promised to all of us who remain faithful to Him in this life.

The only solution to all of this is prayer, and patience that God will help me to grow in holiness and allow me to overcome my sins.

Sloth

2009-11-04T17:09:00.005-05:00

Last night, the chaplain of the Courage chapter I belong to gave a talk about sloth, which, according to NewAdvent.org is the "sadness in the face of some spiritual good which one has to achieve," or kind of a spiritual laziness. (As an aside, Courage is the Catholic Church's ministry to men and women with same-sex attractions who desire to adhere to the Church's teaching to live chaste lives.) As one of the seven capital sins, sloth can lead to a host of other sins, Father told us, including masturbation and other unchaste acts, as well as gluttony. Father noted that this is because masturbation and gluttony can be easy sins to fall into when one does not care to resist them.

When it was my time to give my comments on Father's talk, I said that I did not think sloth was a major problem for me. Upon further reflection, though, I see that I fall into the sin of sloth often before I masturbate or commit some other sin against chastity. I just basically get tired of struggling not to masturbate or not lust after other men. I can go for a few months maybe without giving into these sins--albeit with God's help, not on my own strength. But after awhile, the temptation to masturbate or fall into lust becomes too much for me to bear, and I give in. This is sloth; not a prolonged period of sloth, but sloth nonetheless.

I'm not really sure what the remedy is for this, other than a fervent prayer for the grace of perseverence. Like all sins, it's one that is going to take time to overcome.

During my comments last night, I also shared how I felt like I was in a spiritual rut, so to speak. I'm not sure if this goes along with the sloth or inertia that Father was talking about. But I see that there is a cycle in my life that I can't seem to break free from. I can go several weeks, or maybe even a few months, without masturbating, and eventually I give in because of the tension I feel. This tension comes from a number of sources, but one of the biggest sources is the tension that exists between the desire for a romantic homosexual relationship and the knowledge that I was not made for such a relationship and that a homosexual relationship will never satisfy what my heart is longing for, which is intimacy with Christ and platonic intimacy with other men When I feel this tension, it becomes very easy for me to give into masturbation. I guess the best way for me to break this cycle is to always remember that I will never find what I am looking for in a homosexual relationship, because I see that my desires are really for a savior; someone who can be my constant companion, someone who will love me unconditionally, etc., etc. I'm longing for Jesus Christ. I need to focus on building intimacy with him by staying close to the sacraments and by coming to know him better, particularly through reading of scripture and the lives of the saints.

"For the Lord Your God is Bringing You Into a Good Country... Where You Will Lack Nothing" (Dt 8: 7, 9)

2009-11-02T20:16:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, during a meeting with a group from my parish, we were given this reading from Deuteronomy to meditate on:

"Remember how for forty years now the Lord, your God, has directed all your journeying in the desert, so as to test you by affliction and find out whether or not it was your intention to keep his commandments. He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger, and then fed you with manna, a food unknown to you and your fathers, in order to show you that not by bread alone does man live, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the LORD.

: The clothing did not fall from you in tatters, nor did your feet swell these forty years.
: So you must realize that the LORD, your God, disciplines you even as a man disciplines his son.
: "Therefore, keep the commandments of the LORD, your God, by walking in his ways and fearing him.
: For the LORD, your God, is bringing you into a good country, a land with streams of water, with springs and fountains welling up in the hills and valleys,
: a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, of olive trees and of honey,
: a land where you can eat bread without stint and where you will lack nothing, a land whose stones contain iron and in whose hills you can mine copper.
: But when you have eaten your fill, you must bless the LORD, your God, for the good country he has given you.
: Be careful not to forget the LORD, your God, by neglecting his commandments and decrees and statutes which I enjoin on you today:
: lest, when you have eaten your fill, and have built fine houses and lived in them,
: and have increased your herds and flocks, your silver and gold, and all your property,
: you then become haughty of heart and unmindful of the LORD, your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery;
: who guided you through the vast and terrible desert with its saraph serpents and scorpions, its parched and waterless ground; who brought forth water for you from the flinty rock
: and fed you in the desert with manna, a food unknown to your fathers, that he might afflict you and test you, but also make you prosperous in the end.
: otherwise, you might say to yourselves, 'It is my own power and the strength of my own hand that has obtained for me this wealth.'
: Remember then, it is the LORD, your God, who gives you the power to acquire wealth, by fulfilling, as he has now done, the covenant which he swore to your fathers. (Dt 8:2-18)"; Wow! This reading was really powerful for me yesterday, and I'm still kind of in awe that God would have this word for me yesterday, at a time when I really needed to hear it. It really speaks to where I'm at in my life, and where I'm at with my ongoing struggle with masturbation, lust, and homosexuality. First, it really explains why I'm continuing to really struggle with my temptations to do unchaste things. Let's take it line by line.

"Remember how for forty years now the Lord, your God, has directed all your journeying in the desert, so as to test you by affliction and find out whether or not it was your intention to keep his commandments (Dt. 8:2)

So I see in this verse that in spite of how I feel, God is always with me. Even when the temptation to masturbate or have a homosexual encounter is very strong, He is with me in this desert that I find myself in. And why am I still in the desert? Well, this reading answers that question too. God is giving me all kinds of "afflictions" (i.e., temptations) to find out whether it is my intention to keep his commandments. And what have I shown him through these tests? It certainly hasn't been that intend to keep his commandments. It's that I only love God for the consolations he gives me. When the trials come, I say the hell with God and I fall into sin.

The next part really resonated with me too. "He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger, and then fed you with manna, a food unknown to you and your fathers, in order to show you that not by bread alone does man live, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the LORD (Dt 8:3)" In my case, the "hunger" that God has allowed me to experience is my loneliness. As I've described in other posts, I have been feeling a pretty strong longing lately for a romantic relationship with another man. This is a type of hunger. But even though God allows me to experience this longing, this loneliness, he provides me with manna, which his grace, in order to show me that the things of the world cannot satisfy me, only he can. This is a lesson that's been really tough for me to learn. I desperately want to believe that God is enough for me, and that I don't need the pleasure that comes from masturbation or a homosexual encounter. These things bring pleasure, sure, but pleasure is not happiness. That's something that is lost on our society I think. I think that a lot of people believe that pleasure is the same as happiness. It's a lie I've believed too, and it's one that I continue to believe on some level. But I know from experience that masturbation or homosexuality are both let downs. Sure, they bring pleasure, but as soon as the act is completed, there is a let down. There is a feeling of emptiness that is incomprehensible. Pretty soon it becomes a viscous cycle of masturbating or having a homosexual encounter, feeling empty afterward, swearing it off (for a time), and then engaging in those types of behaviors again to fill an even deeper void. I continue to do these things, even though I know that they can't satisfy me, because I also don't believe yet that God is enough for me. I know intellectually that He is, or should be, but I don't believe it with my heart. It's a big obstacle for me, and one that I need to continue to pray about.

The next section is really beautiful, because it speaks of God's love. "So you must realize that the Lord, your God, disciplines you as a man loves his son (Dt 2:5)." This is another characteristic of God's that is very hard for me to grasp. Intellectually, I know that He is allowing me to undergo these very difficult temptations because he is trying to mold me into a man made in His image. And He does this because He loves me, more than I can possibly imagine. I think that it's difficult for me to grasp this because of the problems I've had with my earthly father. I grew up thinking that he didn't love me, which I believe is one of the reasons why I developed homosexual attractions. When he disciplined me, I didn't feel like he was doing it out of love. Having gone through that type of experience, it's difficult for me to believe that I have a heavenly Father who loves me and is disciplining me out of love. Again, something I need to pray about.

"For the LORD, your God, is bringing you into a good country, a land with streams of water, with springs and fountains welling up in the hills and valleys, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, of olive trees and of honey, a land where you can eat bread without stint and where you will lack nothing, a land whose stones contain iron and in whose hills you can mine copper (Dt 8:7-9)." This part of the reading gives me a lot of hope. What it says to me is that even though God is allowing me to undergo the temptation to masturbate and have homosexual encounters, He is slowly but surely bringing me to Paradise. The best part of this is the realization that I don't have to be dead to enjoy this! God gives us a foretaste of heaven here on earth when we live holy lives and strive to obey his commandments. Of course, it's not as good as heaven is, but the point is is that the Christian life is not all striving and hardship and no joy. There is a great deal of joy in striving for holiness. Even though life can be difficult for me now in dealing with these temptations, it is still much better than it was when I was living the homosexual lifestyle. This is what I try to remember when I'm tempted to go back to that life of promiscuity.

"Be careful not to forget the LORD, your God, by neglecting his commandments and decrees and statutes which I enjoin on you today: lest, when you have eaten your fill, and have built fine houses and lived in them, and have increased your herds and flocks, your silver and gold, and all your property, you then become haughty of heart and unmindful of the LORD, your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery; who guided you through the vast and terrible desert with its saraph serpents and scorpions, its parched and waterless ground; who brought forth water for you from the flinty rock and fed you in the desert with manna, a food unknown to your fathers, that he might afflict you and test you, but also make you prosperous in the end. Otherwise, you might say to yourselves, 'It is my own power and the strength of my own hand that has obtained for me this wealth.' Remember then, it is the LORD, your God, who gives you the power to acquire wealth, by fulfilling, as he has now done, the covenant which he swore to your fathers (Dt 8: 10-18). This section of the reading speaks to another tendency I have: the tendency to kind of drift away from God when things are going well. I experienced this recently, when I was able to stay away from masturbation for about two months. I was really happy about this, and I thanked God often during this time for helping me to be chaste. But what I noticed during those two months was that my prayer wasn't as fervent as it was when I struggle. Looking back on it now, my prayer wasn't really from the heart because I didn't really feel a whole lot of urgency. I was starting to forget about God and how much I needed Him. So what happened? God humbled me by allowing me to fall into masturbation, to help me remember that I cannot be chaste without His help.

I'm really grateful that I had the opportunity yesterday to meditate on this reading. It also really made me thankful for the group that I am in in my parish. Even though I complain about it a lot, it is giving me some food for thought every once in awhile. I'm definitely going to have a lot of good, substantive things to bring to prayer over the next several weeks.

Prayers Needed on Upcoming Same-Sex "Marriage" Ballot Initiative in Maine

2009-11-01T07:48:00.000-05:00

This Tuesday is Election Day, and voters in Maine will be Question 1, which deals with the same-sex "marriage" law signed by Gov. John Baldacci in May. If approved, Question 1 will overturn that law; if it fails, the law will remain on the books. Please pray that the voters of Maine will vote to uphold the sanctity of marriage as an institution comprised of one man and one woman. Please also pray that those who support same-sex "marriage" may see that the overwhelming majority of those who oppose such unions do so because they know that redefining marriage would be disastrous for our society.

Trials and Tribulations

2009-10-30T16:12:00.000-04:00

This week has been a very difficult one for me. The problems actually started last week, before I went on my retreat. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was feeling a bit scared because I thought that God was calling me to a life that is very radically different than the one I live now. When I say that it is radically different, I mean much less comfortable. I also mentioned in my last post that the devil tried to capitalize on these fears through temptations to do unchaste things. All weekend long, while I was on the retreat, I felt the strong temptation to do unchaste things. I also really felt the strong desire for a romantic relationship with another man. Whenever I feel this way, it always creates a tension inside of me. This tension is there because I feel a desire for this type of relationship, as I said, but deep down I know that such a relationship cannot satisfy the desires that are really in my heart: the desire for platonic, close relationships with other men and, more importantly, a desire for a close relationship with Jesus Christ. Eventually the tension feeds into the temptations, and it gets to be too much for me and I give into masturbation.

What all this has made me see is that I am still very hurt, much more so than I thought. I really thought that the wounds that are in my heart from my childhood had healed quite a bit, but now I see that they haven't. This week has helped me see that I am still very hungry for masculine affection and intimacy with Christ. But what's a bit frustrating about all of this is that I don't know whether I'm doing something wrong, or if I'm not seeing the state of my relationships with my male friends completely, or what. I don't feel particularly close to many of my friends right now. It's hard, because everyone is so busy. And I don't feel particularly close to Christ right now either. Intellectually I know he's there, but I feel very far off from him. I guess I need to be patient with both relationships and allow them to deepen at their own pace. Pray for me.

An Eye-Opening Weekend

2009-10-26T19:17:00.006-04:00

This weekend I went on a silent retreat at a local abbey. I was expecting it to be a guided retreat, with talks and reflections and things like that, but I was surprised to find out when I arrived that it would be an unguided retreat. At first I was a bit disappointed, but when I thought about it I started to think that it was providential, considering the fact that I had some pretty major things on my mind when I arrived at the abbey.

I guess the biggest thing that was on my mind going into last weekend was the question that any Christian who is serious about his faith has: What is God calling me to? The priesthood is pretty much ruled out, considering the fact that the Vatican has stated very clearly that men with deeply-ingrained homosexual tendencies are not candidates for Holy Orders, the sacrament by which a man is configured to Christ as a priest. And I most definitely have deeply-ingrained homosexual attractions. I think they would probably have a similar requirement for the diaconate, but I'm not sure. The diaconate doesn't have much appeal to me anyway. Neither does life as a religious. But I was thinking that perhaps God was calling me to live my Christian faith in a very radical way by becoming (materially) poor and serving the poor. There are a number of reasons why I thought that maybe God was calling me to live such a life, but I won't bore you with all the details.

So anyway, as I said this was an eye-opening weekend for many reasons. Even though this was a silent retreat, and there were no talks given by a priest or anything like that, the Lord really spoke to me through my prayers and through my scripture reading. He really helped me to learn a lot about myself. One very important thing that I learned is that when God calls, or at least when I think he does, I get scared. And I was definitely scared on some level as I was considering whether or not God is calling me to serve the poor on a deeper level. I came up with every reason to justify why I thought I wasn't ready for such a step, and I started worrying about what would happen when I retire if I stopped working (which I would have to do to serve the poor in this way) and didn't contribute to a 401(k) for a few years, or maybe longer. Things like that. Looking back on it now, I know that was the devil, trying to scare me. But on Saturday, our Lord really answered these fears through my scripture reading. I was reading the Gospel according to St. Matthew, and I came across this reading:

"When the disciples saw [Jesus] walking on the sea they were terrified. At once Jesus spoke out to them, 'Take courage, it is I: do not be afraid.' Peter said to him in reply, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw how [strong] the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand to him, and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'" (Mt14:26-31)

This reading really helped me to identify an important stumbling block in my walk with the Lord: my lack of trust in Him. If you look closely at this reading, you see that Peter was walking along the water and everything was fine, and he didn't start to sink until after he became frightened! It's the same way with me. Whenever I feel like the Lord is calling me to something I'm not ready for or don't want to do, I get scared and I start to sink, i.e. succumb to my temptation to go return to the promiscuous homosexual lifestyle that I was living before. And this is what happened again this weekend. I got scared that God was calling me to do something that I didn't feel I could do, or on some level didn't want to do, which made me anxious and made me feel very tempted to do unchaste things. Unfortunately I gave into those temptations. But this reading really showed me that when God asks us to do something, like give up my life to serve the poor or live a chaste life--something that the world thinks is impossible--He is always there to support us. We just have to remember that as long as we trust in God, we will never sink.

Does the Catholic Church Hate Gays?

2009-10-20T16:17:00.006-04:00

As I have followed the national debate over whether those with homosexual attractions should be allowed to enter into same-sex "marriages," I have heard gay activists explicitly say or imply that the Catholic Church hates homosexuals. Take for example David Bohnett, the founder of an organization that aims to improve "society through social activism," who recently received an award from the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN). During his acceptance speech, Mr. Bohnett said that homosexual activists should "challenge those religious leaders and institutions that shamefully and cowardly use the imprimatur of their church and the name of god [sic] and Jesus to promote hatred and bigotry toward lesbians and gay men.” He then added that the "greatest adversaries who actively work against us are the leaders of the Catholic, Mormon, and evangelical churches who seek to deny equal protection for us and for our children.”

Those are some serious charges leveled by Mr. Bohnett against the Catholic Church. Yet he offered no proof of this deeply ingrained hatred of homosexuals among members of Church hierarchy, other than their opposition to the homosexual lifestyle and homosexual "marriage." Believe it or not, Mr. Bohnett, people can be opposed to homosexual "marriages" without being homophobes. The Catholic Church is opposed to homosexual "marriage" because it knows that a marriage consisting of one man and one woman is the best possible environment in which to raise children. Research has backed this up. The Church teaches this out of love, not hate.

Also, the Catechism of the Catholic Church clearly states that people with same-sex attractions "should be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided." Now does that sound like a Church that hates people because of who they are sexually attracted to?

I can tell you from experience that I have experienced a great deal of love from those in the Church, including several priests, who are aware of my sexual attractions. I have never experienced any hatred from anyone that I have discussed my sexual issues with. Mr. Bohnett should be ashamed of himself for making these baseless claims against the Catholic Church.

"Teacher, We Want You to Do for Us Whatever We Ask of You (Mk 10:35)"

2009-10-18T13:52:00.006-04:00

I was really struck by this first line of today's gospel reading. It made me think about how many times I have asked God for something and expected Him to give it to me simply because I asked for it, without giving much thought to whether the thing that I was asking for was something I needed for my eternal salvation. This temptation is particularly strong when it comes to carrying the cross of my sexuality. I sometimes catch myself asking God to take away my attractions to other men or to take away a strong temptation. This is only natural, because our human nature compels us to want to run away from suffering. And my problems with homosexuality and my sexual temptations have certainly caused me to suffer.

However, there is value in suffering for the sake of God. In my case, my sexual problems have certainly brought me closer to God. I really don't think I would be in the Church today if it hadn't been for the experience I have had with my sins. I'm happier now that I have ever been now that I am in the Church and striving to live my faith as best I can with the help of God.

Experiencing sexual temptations, or any temptations for that matter, has value too, even though these can be excruciating at times. I often times just want to masturbate to make the temptations and the tension that goes along with it go away. It's a huge fight for me to resist these urges. But usually after getting through these periods of temptation, I've found that I've learned something about God, or about the spiritual battle that we're all in. And as scripture says, temptations and trials of all kinds strengthen us in our faith.

"In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1Pt 1:6-9)

But perhaps more importantly, our suffering can help others. This is an idea that I think is lost in our society, which is often seems to only be concerned about seeking pleasure. I know that when I was actively living the homosexual lifestyle, the idea of denying myself and not acting on my urges was totally foreign to me. However, if we suffer for the sake of God, if we deny ourselves and carry our cross as Jesus did, we can help God save the souls of others, just as it says in today's first reading.

"Because of his affliction he shall see the light in fullness of days; through his suffering, my servant shall justify many, and their guilt he shall bear." (Is 53:11)

My prayer is that God may always help me accept the suffering He allows me to experience, for the sake of those around me and for the sake of my own salvation.

May God bless you!

Abortion and Healthcare Reform

2009-10-17T15:03:00.006-04:00

So it seems that despite assurances from some in Congress, some of the healthcare reform bills that are currently being considered WOULD allow for federal funds to be used for abortions. That's what the pro-life group Americans United for Life and several others are saying anyway. Here is a link to the AUL's video about abortion funding in the healthcare reform bills.

New Online Ad About Abortion in Health Care

Shared via AddThis

Allowing federal funds to be used for abortion is an outrage. No American should be forced to have their own money used to fund the murder of innocent human beings.

Coming Into the Light: My Conversion Story

2009-10-16T16:48:00.006-04:00

For some time now, I've been looking for a platform to discuss the experiences I've had in leaving the homosexual lifestyle. I feel compelled to do this because I'm very disturbed about what's taking place in our society. Several states have "redefined" marriage, as if we could do such a thing. Meanwhile, those who speak out about this trend and the consequences it will have for our society are labeled homophobes. Unfortunately, the viewpoints of the people who scream "homophobe" every time someone speaks out about gay marriage are the ones that get most of the media attention in this country. Those who oppose gay marriage because their faith tells them that it is immoral are often portrayed, intentionally or not, as being slightly imbalanced. The people that are not being heard at all are those who have lived the homosexual lifestyle and have seen how horrible it is. People like me. That's where this blog comes in. I want to tell my story about how I left the homosexual lifestyle.

First, a little background. My childhood was very unhappy. My parents split up when I was very young because my mother left my father for another man. This destroyed my father, who gained custody after the divorce. In the years following the divorce, my father drank and used drugs constantly. One night, when I was about eight, my father had a drug overdose right in front of me. Obviously, I was freaked out by this! I thought my father was dying. I didn't want to see that again, so I pretty much just stayed in my room from then on. I'm not sure if my father realized what was going on or not, but I never felt like he reached out to me. The drug use continued, and so did my isolation from my father.

Meanwhile, my life at school wasn't much better. As a young child, I tended to prefer toys that girls typically like because most of my playmates were girls. As a result, I was a somewhat feminine child. This led to me being bullied by other boys, being called a fag and what not. This lasted from about first grade all the way up through 10th grade. Most of the boys didn't want to be my friend, because they thought I was gay. All of my friends at this time were girls. I didn't date.

Then in the summer between my junior year and senior year of high school, I started masturbating a lot. At first, my fantasies centered around girls, but they soon quickly became centered around other boys. Eventually my desire for sexual intimacy with a girl was replaced by a desire to have sexual relations with another male. This continued all the way up through my junior year of college, when I bought my first computer. I quickly discovered Internet porn and chat rooms. Within a few months, I met up with a man that I had met through one of these chat rooms. After we had dinner, we went back to his house and had sex. It was great until the end, when I was hit with an overwhelming sense of remorse. The next day I was extremely depressed, and I swore to myself that I would never have another sexual encounter with another man again. Unfortunately, this was not to be. Within a few months, I met another man off the same chat room and invited him over to my place for sex. Again I was hit with the same feeling of remorse afterward. This pattern continued on for another six and a half years. I eventually had sex with a total of 35 different men during this time. Most of those encounters were one night stands.

Somewhere in the middle of this period I began to sense what was driving me to have these sexual encounters. It happened one night when I was at the home of a man I had met for sex. I felt a strong longing just to hang out with him and watch the basketball game on TV, and not do anything sexual. I was sensing that my desire for intimacy with other males--which had never been met as a child--had become sexualized. However, I largely ignored these feelings and continued to have sexual encounters with other men.

It was also during this time that I had begun attending my local Catholic church again. I didn't grow up in a particularly religious family. When I returned to the church in 2003, I hadn't been to Mass in 13 years. Two years later, sensing that I needed to become a full member of the Church, I enrolled in my parish RCIA course so that I could receive the sacraments. I wasn't expecting that decision to change my life, but it did. Shortly before the end of the RCIA process, I was in total despair. I felt these strong urges to have sexual encounters with other men, but deep down I didn't want to because I knew that it was wrong. Not because of what anyone told me, but because I felt deep within my heart that it was wrong. Totally depressed and hopeless, I decided that I was going to live the Catholic faith the way it was supposed to be live. I renounced homosexuality and masturbation and all other sin. In the spring of 2006, I made my first confession, was confirmed, and received my first Holy Communion. It was the most beautiful experience of my life!

Since then, things have not been easy, but I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. God has helped me to not have sexual encounters with other men, but masturbation has been a tougher habit to overcome. God has also blessed me with a number of friends who also struggle with same-sex attraction. Knowing them has helped confirm that my attractions were caused by my unfulfilled desire for friendship and a relationship with my father.

God has also helped me to have appropriate friendships (i.e., no sex involved) with men who do not struggle with same-sex attraction. This has been a huge help in healing the wounds from my childhood and satisfying the desires that drove me to have sexual encounters with other men.

So now you may ask, why am I telling the world my story? First of all, I want those who are struggling with their sexuality to know that they were not born gay or anything like that. Society tells us this out of a misguided desire to show compassion. However, this myth only makes people feel trapped. If people were born homosexual, if they were created to be in sexual relationships with people of the same sex, where reproduction is not possible, then why are their bodies geared towards procreation? In other words, why do lesbian women have ovaries and a uterus if they were "made" to be in sexual relationships with other women? Why do gay men produce sperm if they are just meant to be in a sexual relationship with other men?

I'm also telling my story because I want the world to see that affirming homosexuality may seem compassionate, but in reality is not. People with same-sex attractions are very wounded individuals, and we need to help them see that homosexual relationships will never satisfy their hearts. Only God can do that. And when people engage in homosexuality, or any other sin for that matter, they grow apart from God.

My prayer is that my story will help someone who is in a similar situation as me. I'm still struggling with same-sex attraction, but I know that by the grace of God I will be able to carry the cross that He has given me. And, as Fr. John Corapi often says, I know that when God calls me out of this life, and I finally see Him face to face, I'm going to hear these beautiful words: "Well done, my good and faithful servant. Come, share your master's joy (Mt 25:21)."